Celtic spank Stoneham two nil !!!!

One of the first chaps I saw this morning was Rob so I thought that I should be especially friendly so that he would be nice to me. I told Rob that he looked well and rested. Rob thanked me and I felt safe. Rob then skewered me with a cutting comment on the sideline and Ged laughed and rubbed it in ... the northern bastard! Rob's comment was terribly upsetting although strangely I have no recollection of what it was exactly. I asked Rob after the game and he said that he didn't remember it either. But I do know this ... it was terribly hurtful! 

Moving right along. Tom our crack keeper was missing and Rob suggested that I should stress this and use a headline of "TOM ... WHO NEEDS HIM!" I thought that this was a bit strong. Andy played in net for the first half and then Bobby and Walter split the duty in the second half and they all kept a clean sheet ... unlike Tom!

We had some fireworks in the game and the ref threatened to pull the plug. Captain Flicky took charge and cooled down everyone although I noted that a fatwah was issued by Stoneham. The game was kinda feisty and I got the impression that Stoneham don't like to lose but the fact was that we were the better team and we deserved the win. Stoneham did catch us offside about thirty five times and they hit our post a couple of times but Taso could not stop scoring and got another hat trick ... scratch that ... two hat tricks! He also gave the Gilf a free coaching clinic and after the game he provided lunch for everyone. The lunch was great and I washed it down with the best beer in New England ... JB gave me a heady topper and you can't beat that! 

Taso posed for pictures after the game with his shirt on and Doug V provided this photo of Taso on South Beach with his shirt off. 

We were unbeaten this season under the fearless leadership of Captain Flicky and if it were a normal season we would be going to the play offs. I had a good time writing all of this nonsense and look forward to doing it again in the spring.

Keep it tight at the back lads!

Kate Moorman wins best lunch of the season for the 50th year in a row!

Kate did it again ... lasagne, sausage, meatballs, breaded chicken, salad, cookies ... an amazing Italian feast. Apparently Yiannis Moorhen is in charge of pounding the chicken cutlets before they are breaded but apart from this he is just around to keep Kate properly hydrated with chianti while she cooks. He spends most afternoons sleeping off these enormous Italian lunches which he does whilst snoring and farting in perfect unison on the couch while British baking shows are playing on the TV. Yiannis eats leftovers all week and his leftovers are better than most folks first-overs. The other punters in his office spend most of their time trying to figure out how much of his brown bag lunches they can syphon off without getting noticed ... of course they are lawyers so their natural inclination to take 90% is a dead giveaway! 

As for the match, here is the poop. We played the over 40's in a friendly and thrashed them to a 2-2 tie and Taso got a hat trick. This is the storyline that we agreed to stick to. One thing is for sure ... we gave them a thing or two to think about and we kept it reasonably tight at the back. George (the life, the legend and the something else he asked me to include) was as solid as a rock. With George at the back, Andy was released a few times to surge forward and put the cat amongst the pigeons and the fox in the hen house.

Rob was especially mean to me on account of the fact that he passed me the ball and I tried to cross it. Apparently I was supposed to pass it back to Rob ... like I'm a bloody mind reader! To be fair he was yelling something like "give it back to me you Limey bastard!" Well let me tell you ... I curled up into the fetal position and cried myself to sleep on Sunday night. My Iranian therapist Doctor Gofuk Yerseff tried to talk me down but the electrodes kept slipping off my nipples so he just kept slapping me and telling me to pull myself together. 

Taso kept his shirt on for at least half of the game and gently urged his teammates to keep battling. By "gentle urging" I mean screaming at us like a madman! Talking of mad men ... Trump defends lawsuits stating that "nobody knows more about fraud than me!" He has also sued the entire state of Minnesota and told every citizen of that state to lawyer up. Oh and Bill Barr tested negative for integrity. Dougie Vee, despite being in Florida, had a solid game today and made any number of "no look" passes and clipped a couple off the bar. Gedwood the northern bastard showed up and made any number of helpful comments from the sideline ... "lay it off" ... "or do that". Captain Flicky had a perfect opportunity to back flick a pass and did not take it ... we are all worried and he is undergoing tests. Cain had to shoot off early for a shagging appointment with a cocktail waitress that he met during the half time interval. He had to be quick because he had a female plumber coming over to clean out his pipes shortly thereafter. Jan conducted a raffle and the prize was ten minutes in the shower with Cain. Oh ... one more thing ... Trump is seeking to overturn Obama's 2008 election even though he won by about 9 million votes.  

Celtic 3 Melrose 2

 Another victory although the score line flatters Melrose because we dominated the whole game and created loads of chances which brings me to the reason for us not banging in more ... constipation up front! Captain Flicky had a good game even though, or perhaps because he was wearing Debbie's knickers for a face mask. 

Here is a picture of Bill's regular mask.

Apparently the face masks and knickers are in the same spot in the Bostridge castle so it's an easy mistake to make. The highlight for the Flickster was definitely a perfectly executed back pass that split the Melrose defense like a knife through butter ... a hot knife at that! Rob had a good game and nearly scored when he blasted one off the post in the second half. I did hear someone say to Jan that Rob did not look happy, to which she replied "well, he should be happy" ... I don't know what that meant and guessed that Jan had dubbin'd Rob's football boots for him. According to everyone else on the sideline I was way off!

Cain had one attempt cleared off the line ... which drew Captain Flicky to issue his "chocolate fireguard" comment ... "he's about as useful as a chocolate fireguard!!" Unfortunately the Captain did  not use some of other favorites like "put a red hat on it" or knock it "around the horn" which I believe is a nautical reference about rounding the tip of South America. You know what though ... I could be wrong on this guess? I will make a note to myself to clear this up with Bill. 

Taso scored two and took his shirt off thrice, realized it was chilly and quickly put it back on. One more goal however and he would have been down to his skivvies in a flash. The second goal was scored after pulling his hammy ... and I do want to point out that this is not a euphemism for a Grecian sex move involving relations with a farm animal. Bobby scored a nice one with his melon off a curling cross from Pat. The cross was perfect and Pat made it with short sleeves, which I think is noteworthy. At one point in the match I counted six of our players sporting short sleeves and only two of theirs. Some football pundits don't think that the number of short sleeved players is relevant but let's face it ... these people just don't understand football like I do. 

I had any number of sideline punters feel the soft lining of my new jacket although Gedwood the northern bastard continually refused until right near the end of the game when he furtively copped a feel. He did look a bit sheepish but agreed that the lining was very soft ... he said as much ... "yeah, it's soft ... just like you." Taso had no qualms whatever when he felt the soft lining ... but I felt strangely violated.

 

Celtic 2 Boxford 2

Dougie V is a happy guy. He is on all sorts of meds for any number of conditions that are quite unique to him and one other guy who lives in Borneo. Scientists believe that they may both have been bitten by the same pangolin. Why is Doug happy you ask? Answer ... nobody knows, but I can tell you this ... I'll have whatever he's having! This is a picture of Doug at the conclusion of a 2-2 tie. I am gonna try and get a picture of him after we thrash someone and after we get beaten but I bet you won't be able to tell the difference. You may have to wait a while for a the picture of Doug after a loss because we remain unbeaten this season.

I could not play today on account of a dodgy leg from last week so I watched from the sideline and joked around with Gedwood the northern bastard. I wore my new jacket which is really warm and comfortable and I was quite upset that Ged refused to feel the soft lining ... I offered like three times but he wouldn't feel it which I think is very bad manners. They say that the farther north you go in England, the friendlier the people get but they also say that northerners hate southerners!

I did make some astute observations about the game from the sideline. The first observation was that we played badly in the first half and quite well in the second half. I know, I know ... there I go again with that overly technical analysis. We really should have won the game and very nearly did when a well struck ball hit the post with less than ten minutes to go. Taso scored the first goal but I missed it so I will assume that it was identical to the one that Antonio scored yesterday against Citeh. The second goal was scored by Cain and I did not really see how that one went in so I'm gonna suggest that it was just like the one that Lanzini scored last week against Spurs.

After the game JB served meatballs. His wife made the meatballs. JB got up at 4am to make his 3rd nocturnal tinkle and turn on the crock pot. Someone said that the meatballs had some zing to them but I am sure that he was clear headed enough to pee in the loo!  

Apparently McDonald Trump had a rally in Omaha and his supporters were all frozen and stranded for hours. He told them that the buses were rounding the turn.

Celtic 1 North Shore International men of mystery 1

So here's what happened from my point of view on the grassy knoll near the book depository. I really wanted to play on the turf field but was told that we were playing on the grass and that was that and to shut up and stop whining. The grass was a bit frosty this morning and everyone was complaining of wet feet so magically we moved over to the turf field. Turns out that this was not what really happened at all ... the whole switcheroo was arranged by the Russians who deliberately frosted the field, as confirmed by a series of emails found on Hunter Biden's laptop that happened to be lying under a tree near the parking lot.

Captain Flicky was not at the helm today so Andy called out the starting line up and stayed true to the 3-5-2 format that had been working well for us all season. After about five minutes Oscar subbed in up front and about five minutes after this he tried to decapitate a chap with his elbow. An old vendetta had been settled but the ref was not amused and issued a straight red card. We were down to ten players for the rest of the match and Oscar had to go and sit on the naughty step. 

The Internationals are a solid team with some decent midfielders and forwards but they kept getting caught in our offside trap. Now I don't want to keep going on about it but the turf field has lines on it and this makes for an even more effective offside trap .... but I won't labor the point. I noticed that every time they got caught they yelled at each other in a different language. Fortunately I have google translate and managed to catch some of their comments:

"I say old bean, we've been snookered once again by these tricky blighters!"

"Your daughter has the rump of a slow, old chicken!"

"You silly pumpkin, I was available for the passing of the balloon!"

We went into the half, tied at zero's. In the third half Walter found himself right up the sharp end of thee pitch and put us ahead with a tap in. They managed an equalizer near the death but I don't know much about it because I was on the bench nursing a sore leg. Tom explained exactly how we conceded the goal and basically said that it was all Rob's fault. LATE BREAKING NEWS ... apparently it was not Rob's fault and Tom is now saying that he should have taken the guy out by breaking one if not two of his legs and forced a PK that he would have saved with his cat like abilities. Overall I think that we played well and we are unbeaten this season. 

Pat served chili that had a nice bit of zap to it and beers magically appeared for the washing down of said chili. BTW ... check out this goal from Lanzini ..... 

https://twitter.com/i/status/1317879696550465536

Celtic wins 2-0 versus Windham

Windham came into the game with the worst record in the league and they only had eight players show up and they all looked a bit old and knackered. We showed up in our spiffy new kit, freshly shaven and enjoying a little lighthearted banter. I did conduct a short survey with a number of teammates who, like me, had successfully completed at least two bowel movements that very morning. I don't want to go too deeply into this but if you have not completed at least 1.65 BM's pre game you are not fully prepared and you really need to get your shit together! 

We were the picture of youth, health and vitality and I'm not even exaggerating a tiny bit. I've told myself a million times not to exaggerate! Captain Flicky conferred with the Windbags and the decision was made that we would do the gentlemanly thing, take a 2-0 forfeit, give them a few players and make a game of it. Obviously we would still win convincingly with a combination of style, pace and incisive passing. Sadly we played dreadfully and we conceded any number of goals. I say "any number of goals" because I cannot bring myself to write the actual number. Tom must have been on his meds because the first one that got by him was a grass cutter that he would comfortably save 100 times out of 99. 

As a team we played like crap with dodgy passes and bad decisions all over the park. I don't want to pick on myself but I was total rubbish and this is unforgiveable because back in Blighty the Hammers had just spanked the Foxes three nil and I caught a shed load of stripers the day before ... how could it all go so wrong? 

After the game Andy put on what my mum would call "a lovely spread" with sausage, onions, peppers and pastries for "after's". Gedwood the Northern Bastard watched some of the game and made some interesting observations. I remember one in particular ... "you lot were crap today" although it doesn't sound so bad with a northern accent.  

Game three Celtic 4 Melrose 2

 

OK people, lets review the numbers. Right after our game Donald Trump revealed that he paid no federal income taxes in 11 of 18 years and in 2017 his federal tax bill was $750. He says that this is fake news. Here is part of a conversation between me and Donald that I completely made up.

Me : You're an idiot.

Trump: No, you're an idiot.

Me: Douchebag says what?

Trump: What?

The league does not keep track of the standings but the Gilf does. He has a team of actuaries in his basement. They wear dark suits and ties but the Gilf lets them take off their jackets when it gets hot because he has been having trouble with his boiler which runs a bit high down there. Most of the time the egg heads are working on a bitcoin put option strategy but this week the Gilf got them to work on our league standings. According to the basement boffins we are three points clear in first place although the North Shore International Men of Mystery do have a game in hand. Donald tweeted that this is all fake news and has threatened to launch a nuclear weapon aimed at a wind turbine, to save the birds. The scoring went like this ... 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 3-1, 3-2, 4-2 but Donald said that it was 9-3, 7-4, 6-1, 0-0, 1-0, 3.14-3.14. He does not accept our score and is taking the case to small claims court. Cain scored a hat trick in front of his future father in law. This is a cover story because further investigation revealed that the gentleman was actually his parole officer. Note that Cain appears to have one oddly shaped shin pad ... it's an ankle bracelet people!!!! Pat scored the other goal and it was a first timer into the far corner. I was going to follow up with a silly comment but could not think of anything but I should have something by next week.

In the first half we were all over the The Melrose Good Guys like a cheap suit. We possessed the ball well, knocked it about confidently and scored three goals. Their keeper threw a wobbler right before the half time break and nobody knows what set him off ... I heard talk that someone gave him the stink eye. At half time the message from Captain Flicky was to keep doing what we were doing and as a team we proceeded to the exact opposite. For the first twenty minutes we let them control the ball and they put two in our net and one of them was a cracker! However we got the wake up call and got back on track, reasserted ourselves and scored a fourth goal which settled things.

 Here is a picture from Rob and Jan's recent apple picking trip. This one is a close up of Rob deliberately bruising an apple that he put in someone else's basket. I don't know why he does these things ... apparently he's a habitual fruit bruiser.

Game two - Celtic 2 Andover 1

Before I get sidetracked I would like to draw your attention to this great old chestnut. It is one of my favorite jokes from "Not the nine o'clock news" in the old country.

It was bloody freezing at kick off on account of a cold Canadian high pressure air mass making it's way down the eastern Seabord and straight into my shreddies. Dougie Vee made his season debut. He had been up all night, broken into all of our houses and had taken everyone's meds before kick off. My dogs canine distemper pills included. I know this because he was at least five times louder than he usually is. Doug does not have covid but is considered a super spreader for loudness. We followed the covid protocol and wore masks. Doug mentioned to me that Andy Henderson told him that wearing a mask whilst playing footy is like being waterboarded .... I think he's right. Despite the waterboarding not one of our players revealed where Bin Laden was holed up! This is the very definition of  team cohesion. We had to self ref the game which essentially meant that we would follow the honor system. Both teams were full of reprobates so the system was not on solid ground. They scored first with a goal from a clearly offside position but we were playing well despite only having one sub. Why did we only have one sub? I can't explain all of the reasons but I was told that Rob and Jan went apple picking this morning. I think that they may have been picking "Doug's Snout" or "Razor Russets" .... how do you like them apples? Andover had a whole gaggle of subs who were forming human pyramids on the sidelines. We went into the half down by one but we were fairly evenly matched up and Captain Flicky did his fireside chat.

We were better in the second half because we had the Canadian wind with us. We scored two and had a hat full of chances. The first was a cross by Taso from an acute angle that found its way into the back of the net. I can tell you this ... if a cross goes in the net ... it was a shot! The second goal was scrambled affair with Oscar finally bundling it in with his left testicle. We continued to press and could have had more goals. They tried to equalized but we kept it tight at the back. 

Back to back wins. Nice new kit. Comfortable socks. It's all good.  

The season of covid - Celtic 2 DEA 1

Our first game was away at the Drug Enforcement Agency in Bedford NH. The field was incorrectly lined but freshly mowed .... by a herd of goats, and judging by the cutting job, the goats need some dental work. Captain Flicky announced that we should have started with plenty of subs but that a number of blokes had jumped ship at the last moment leaving us with no subs. The Captain was not happy. The nameless miscreants are Johnny G, JB, Andy, Moorman and Blanchy who all promised to play and then came up with a bunch of lame excuses as to why they could not make it. There was some discussion that they all feared the DEA because they all traffic in controlled substances. On the plus side we got our nice new kits which included incredibly comfortable socks. I plan to sleep in mine all week. Captain Flicky changed his pre-match speech from "we're gonna kill 'em" to "we have no subs, the season is a shit show so lets just have a bit of fun". Weirdly this change of plan may have worked and now that I think about it I would not be surprised if this is exactly what the captain intended ... the cunning old fox! 

New Mike gave it his best but lasted ten minutes and had to abandon the battle with an injury so the ten of us had our work cut out ... it was knackering in the heat on the heavy pasture. Early in the first half I took a throw in to Caino who dribbled to the end line and cut one back for Pat who slotted it into the bottom corner. We were one up. Our second goal was scored not long after the first by Commodore Gilf of the Topsfield Yacht Club who pounced on loose ball in a goalmouth scramble. The DEA came at us pretty hard for the whole game ... sniffer dogs, cavity searches, probing questions ... the works! As you may have deduced I am planning to have a little fun with the team name but it's perfectly fine to do this because I am Mr Earnest Scribbler. Tom made some astonishing saves that would have beaten the standard keeper ... I think he was off his meds on the day and it was working. I'm talking full stretch athletic stuff with a difficult dismount and landing ... no, I'm serious ... some really impressive goalkeeping. At one point deep in the first half Bedford caused havoc in our area and got behind Tom but Rob leapt in to save the day and cleared the ball off the line. It was Roy of the Rovers stuff! They pulled one back in the second half but we held it together with a "you shall not pass" attitude. We tried to go forward but played for eighty minutes with only one up front. Nevertheless Caino hit the post in the second half. He did not score on the day but I'm guessing that he rippled the back of the old onion bag later that evening! 

I seem to have meandered off course here ... where was I?

After the game Rob gave me a really shitty beer which was cold but so shitty as to be almost undrinkable. The can said it was beer but it definitely wasn't. It was more like very watery goat pee. But I only mention this because it was very kind of Rob to bring a few beers to the game. Rob the king of all piss takers is actually a very nice chap who is happy and willing to share really crap beer with his teammates.

Taso the carnival barker did a fine motivational job and managed to keep his shirt on for the entire game. It was hot and sweaty day and ninety minutes felt like an eternity but we got it done with a gritty performance. We possessed and moved the ball quite well and deserved the win. The players who got it done were Tom, new Mike, Rob, Gilf, Walter, Taso, Pat, Oscar, me, Captain Flicky and Caino.

Keep it tight at the back lads!

Opening Day !!!!

Opening day of the spring 2020 Over The Hill season was a little different this year on account of the effing virus. I did not get up really early and take three poops before going into battle with my old footy pals. There was no Captain Flicky pre-match inspirational speech, no dodgy tackling, no verbals, no three nil tonking of Stoneham FC and worst of all ... no post game beer and chitterlings. 

Instead I slept till 9, made a tinkle and crawled back in bed. I made an extensive mental list of all the socially isolated projects I wanted to complete on this day ... bike ride, weights, clean out closet, avoid beer, pull weeds, oil change, read book, prune bush, paint trim, avoid beer, bake a pie and avoid beer. Fast forward to the end of the day ... I had some success because I made the pie but ate almost half of it which showed a shocking lack of self control. I did manage to paint a three foot long section of trim in a bathroom before I gave up from boredom and a dry throat that required beer. Beer ... she's a silent mistress.

I watched the daily briefing and spent most of the time wondering what Fauci really thinks of Trump ... I would love it if he just stopped Trump mid sentence and said what I think ... "Trump, you are a wanker and a stupid git ... now sit down and shut up!"

So this is life without Sunday morning football? It's different.