The end of the road - semi final of the play offs - Celtic go out on penalties!!!

It was a freezing cold morning and windy and the sun was blinding and there were patches of ice on the pitch and it was cold and a gaggle of our players were missing and they didn't have good excuses and it was cold and the goalmouths were sorta frozen and it was cold.

The missing players will remain nameless because to divulge their names would be socially unacceptable. However it was decided that the group should be termed ... THE WANKERS for ease of recognition. After the game there were lots of comments like this:

"We would have easily won if those wankers showed up today."
"We'd have killed GPS had it not been for those wankers."
"Those wankers are effing wankers."

The WANKERS are all lacking in moral fiber and unlike Rob continue to be bed wetters into their 50's.

This just in ... be careful because I just got word that a Russian hacker got into the blog and is threatening to reveal the names of the wankers ............

hello ... 
hello mates ... 
hello chaps ... 
Trump is Wanker ... and so are ANDY, DOUG, JB, MIKE AND FRANK
They have lacking moral fiberz 

My electric computer screen just went all fuzzy btw. Anyway ... moving on to the match. We started confidently and moved the ball around well. GPS had some useful players but after ten minutes or so it was clear that we could win the game. Pat took a corner and curled it straight into the net by the near post ... we were ahead. They managed to pull one back ... a belter from outside the box that was unstoppable. We ended regular time tied at one apiece and went into extra time. In the second period Dimos sent Pat through and he slotted into the net with five minutes left to play. We were going to the final and just had to play out the last few minutes .... but they equalized with the freakiest of goals with about forty seconds on the clock so we went to penalties. I won't go into the details of the shoot out because it is just too painful.

Captain Flicky served hot chile and warm bread and Rob the retired bed wetter opened up the tailgate of his truck to reveal a wide offering of beers that clearly accounted for the whole spectrum of drinkers who battled so bravely on the frozen tundra. We were deflated because we were the better team and we should have won. We created more chances than GPS and their keeper made a few impressive saves but you know what .... we showed them a thing or two!

It was a good season and we won the division.

Game ten - who gets all the marbles?

The stage was set ... a win against the North Shore Internationals and we would top the division. Captain Flicky took control and spoke from the gut ... he used words like honor, code, loyalty ... he used these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something that looked just like a football goal ...  well not really but Captain Flicky runs his team how he runs his team and he eats breakfast next to 4000 Mancunians by the Sea who are trained to kill him so the North Shore Internationals don't make him nervous. Yeah, that's what he said .. something verbatim right along those lines-ish.

We could not be sure if NS came to play or just wanted a kick around. There was nothing on the line for them and they acted all casual but in a pre-match chat with one of their chaps I realized that they were bluffing ... they came to play and they had plenty of skilled players and a very good keeper ... this was not going to be a stroll in the park. We had the numbers but one of our soldiers was looking a bit peaky ... young Rob the bed wetter had been probed in the hooby wotty just a few hours earlier. The narcotics were still in his system but he was gonna play no matter what. Rob the beast, chased down everything in his usual style but with a bit more mustard. We pressed them hard for the whole first half but could not break them down. We pressed them harder in the second half and finally got our noses in front. Hedge crossed one into the box and Blanchy nodded it into the back of the old onion bag with about ten minutes left on the clock. We thought that the job was done but they got a disputable free kick outside the box, the ball was launched into the box and hit the underside of the bar and squirted out to some lucky bastard who simply toe poked it into the back of our net. It was a freaky goal that they did not deserve. There were five minutes left to play and we threw everything at them but could not break the deadlock. Oy gevalt ... we missed our opportunity to take top spot.

We retired to the rubber for a few tumbles and lamented the tie which meant that we finished second to Marblehead and would have to go to Concord and play our bogey team on their turf pitch that was the size of a polo field ... or so we thought. We woke to the flurry of emails on Thursday morning that confirmed that were were champions of division one north by virtue of the nth tie breaker rule ... penis size!!!! Our willies were just a bit bigger than the Marblehead tadgers so we got the top spot. As the crowned champions of division one north we would now host GPS on our fortress grass pitch on Sunday morning. One minor side/foot note is that half of our team is going to be away in Nashville to watch the Pats ... don't even get me started on that one!

Game 9 ... Celtic 4 - Boxford 2

It was critical that we win this game and we did. It went like this ... we scored, we scored, they scored, they scored ... we got the willies at this point but ... then ... we scored and we scored again. Paschal got two by being at the right place at the right time, Rob the bed wetter scored a belter and Caino got his melon on to a Nigel Hedge left footed cross for number four. Job done. We adjourned to the parking lot and feasted on various things that give me gas ... but don't get me wrong ... this is not a bad thing. JB provided the victuals and he did a fine job. I just could not stop loading up on the beans. Last night I had Indian food so I should be farting like a bison by nightfall! Lesly supplemented the beer selection with paint stripper mixed with cinnamon.

I had an interesting bench conversation with Lesly, Ludger and Doug. The thrust of the conversation was about the merits of training ... running, biking and generally doing strenuous things to stay in shape for footy. Lesly mentioned that the Docs that he works with all advise against this kind of training and suggest swimming instead. Doug thought that swimming was terribly boring ... a valid point to which I added that the last time I did it I got absolutely soaking wet. I thought that this was a rather silly comment on my part but it got Doug on the funny bone and he staggered around muttering "I got soaking wet" under his breath like a crazy person. Of course this is nothing new ... he is a bonafide crazy person.

On Wednesday we play the North Shore International men of mystery under the lights. A win gives us top spot for the first time ever. NS got thrashed by Marblehead and I predict that we will thrash them again on Wednesday. Rob is having a colonoscopy on Wednesday morning ...

 ..... which means that if he does play he will be playing with anger issues.

Why do I mention this? I don't know ... I have to fill this stupid blog with something.

Game 8 - Celtic 1 Marblehead 2

It was a cold and breezy morning as both teams warmed up with full benches. This was a critical match and it showed from the start ... a hard fought battle from start to finish with very little between the two teams and relatively few clear cut chances to be had. Marblehead scored the first two goals in the first half and I hate to say it but they were good goals ... not good by our standards mind you .... good for a sub par team of wankers. In the second half Boomer pulled one back for us after a scramble in the goalmouth. Boomer created a second opportunity that Caino put in the net but this one was ruled offside. Overall we created slightly more chances than Marblehead and a fairer result would have been a tie but it was not to be. Stoneham won so they closed the gap and the top three are now Marblehead on 15, Celtic on 14 and Stoneham on 12 with two games left. I don't see Stoneham catching Celtic or Marblehead but what do I know?

This week my crack research team has been working closely with me on a player profile. Our midfield dynamo Rob Lebel is the player in focus. Here are some things about Rob that you may not know. Rob was born on probation and was toilet trained far too early (three months) although he was a bed wetter until his mid thirties. Rob has anger issues as a result of this and this anger manifests itself in the form of violent tackles against opposing players. Rob is clever though and can easily wriggle out of being carded with his happy go lucky nature and witty retorts ... witty retorts that upon reflection are actually biting comments that keep folks awake with night sweats. If you get on the wrong side of Rob you will pay the price ... his biting comments will torture you. A few years ago the gentlemen in the cell next to Rob ate his own tongue after Rob whispered to him through the bars for a few hours. Rob is an avid reader of this blog and freely provides feedback ... feedback that I treat with electric shock therapy. They are cranking up the dosage and have turned up the nob to 11.

Game 7 and Celtic take top spot with a two nil win over Crapoli

This was a cracking game with every single Celtic player hitting the back of the net at least once if not twice. We rattled both posts and the bar multiple times. It was end to end stuff although the game was played entirely in their half. The tackles were flying in all over the shop and we put the cat among the pigeons and showed them a thing or two and left our calling card and made a statement and gave them something to think about and ... and .... and other things too. Sweeney and Caino scored a goal apiece and both were stunners ... Sweeney was a shot from the half way line that had bend and dip and Caino's was a bicycle kick from the edge of the eighteen. After each goal Sweeney and Caino flashed a winning smile with a twinkle in their eye, at the capacity crowd. Celtic had about 93% possession and totally dominated every aspect of the game. Every player on the Crapoli team was red carded, two were deported on the spot and three were arrested for lewd conduct. Elsewhere around the league Marblehead tied Stoneham which cemented our position at the top of the league. The Headers face us this coming Sunday and obviously we will win and put some daylight between first and second place. Basically it's job done for Celtic ... give us the trophy now!

Here are some pictures of the action.

Yeah, it was one heck of a game and I wasn't there at all. I made up all of the stuff about the game and I'm not proud of it because it is very silly. I really just wasted your time for no reason whatever. Cain and Sweeney did score ... this much is true. I was fly fishing the Gunnison River on the Western Slope of Colorado with my boys and I have to tell you ... it was bloody magic.

Game six - we beat Stoneham

The weather was perfect, the pitch was perfect ... the stage was set for a good game between old rivals. Frank was out so Tony was back between the sticks and he played very well and secured the clean sheet. The striking thing about today's game was that everyone played well ... front to back a solid performance. We did not panic, we kept the ball and made relatively few mistakes. Cain scored a couple of goals early on and Captain Flicky decided to drop a striker back into the midfield for the second half. This did limit our chances somewhat but essential eliminated their chances. This was a strategery master class by the cagey veteran.

Doug Vigliolottacanelloni played in a deep lying position for the whole game and put in a composed and solid performance ... what is so special about this I hear you ask? Well, composed and solid are not two words that come to mind when thinking about young Douglas ... more like "wild and crazy". I think that overall the whole team played a composed and solid game and what do attribute this to ... management of course. The thoughtful management of the team by one Captain Flicky. Management that I believe will take us into the play offs and possibly to the ultimate glory of winning it all.

Elsewhere around the league Boxford tied Marblehead so we go into second place, tied on points with Marblehead. Boxford lost to Napoli so it's really a three horse race for the two top spots.

Dimos and Dennis provided the post game feast. Dennis shot a water buffalo in Rhode Island with a muzzle loader and then made it into venison chile. A muzzle loader is a device that secures a muzzle to a horse by way of a system of pulleys and belts. It was invented at the turn of the century by Mr Athur Muzzle of Barking in Essex, England.

Marblehead  map	6	3	1	2	11	2	22	11	+11	1.83
North Shore Celtic FC  map	6	3	1	2	11	3	15	11	+4	1.83
S.S.C. Napoli  map	6	3	3	0	9	7	14	20	-6	1.50
Stoneham Spartans Over 50  map	6	2	2	2	8	6	14	14	+0	1.33
NS Internationals  map	6	2	4	0	6	7	14	17	-3	1.00
FC Boxford  map	6	1	3	2	5	3	8	14	-6	0.83

Game five - tied with Boxford

This was a tough game because we were missing so many players ... Dori, Andy, Rob, Boomer were all out for various reasons but I firmly believe that the main reason was that they are all lacking in moral fiber despite the fact that they all know a lot about Sean Connery ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=_Y2eCJeNgc0

The pitch was in great shape ... smooth and flat with nicely trimmed grass, a thin layer of morning dew to start the game. We had no complaints about the quality of the surface but we just could not get going and probably played our worst game of the season.

We did create some chances but nothing clear cut and we ended the half tied at nil, nil. They took the lead in the second half with a screamer of a shot from way outside the box that shocked everybody including Pablo who put his foot through the ball like our Viking and went on to celebrate like a nutter.

We pressed hard for an equalizer and it looked like we would run out of time when Nigel Hedge managed to poke a ball square to JB who launched a perfect looping shot over a massive crowd of players that dropped  right into the top left hand corner of the net. It was a perfect shot from our tireless right back. JB's goal came about two minutes from the end and with other results around the league put us tied for second place with Stoneham. This means that next weeks game against Stoneham is critical ... a win is all that will do.

We moved on to the feast of all feasts provided by Kate Moorman who has to be the best of the best and will undoubtedly take the award for best post game catering. Kate made salad, soup, meatballs, eggplant, stuffed shells, sausage and peppers and brownies. Everything was amazing and I packed a good amount into tupperware and continued the feast into the evening while drifting in and out of consciousness on the couch.

Game 4 - a loss!

Tom was distraught when he heard about our result and who can blame him?

We played the North Shore International men of mystery and we bloody well lost and surrendered the top spot, dropping to third in the league. The score was 4-3 with goals from Pat (left footer), Dori (traditional belter) and Hedgerow (side footer) but there should have been more because we were the better team ... no really, we were the better team. We created more chances, had more possession and were the better team ... and we were better than them. The Internationals played OK but did not deserve to win the game because we were better than them ... quite a bit better, not that I'm bitter or biased or anything. The Internationals used a secret code language to try and confuse us ... I believe this language is know as Italian ... and it is quite underhanded trick if you ask me. They used the top secret "Italian" language to communicate among themselves and they used a lot of hand waving and they shouted things too ... all very tricky!

Rob was out because he has a dodgy back but otherwise we were close to full strength and Captain Flicky did his utmost to inspire but it was not to be. We did make a couple of slip ups at the back but, and I want to make this absolutely clear, we were still definitely better than them. Nevertheless they punished us for the couple of slip ups. They did score one decent goal ... a belter from outside the box, but (and I want to be clear about this) it was really their only bonafide goal. After the game we adjourned pitch-side and Paschal cooked up a passel of burgers and dogs on the grill. Paschal kept the burgers juicy with a gasoline marinade and the ensuing cloud of smoke could be seen from the International Space Station.

Next week we play Boxford and I know that a few of the chaps are missing the game but I am going on record right now and predicting that we will give them a tonking ... a damned good tonking at that!

Stoneham Spartans Over 50  map	4	2	0	2	8	3	12	9	+3	2.00
Marblehead  map	4	2	1	1	7	2	17	9	+8	1.75
North Shore Celtic FC  map	4	2	1	1	7	2	12	10	+2	1.75
NS Internationals  map	4	2	2	0	6	4	13	11	+2	1.50
FC Boxford  map	4	1	3	0	3	3	6	12	-6	0.75
S.S.C. Napoli  map	4	1	3	0	3	5	9	18	-9	0.75

Game three - Celtic beats Marblehead 2-1

I'm under a lot of pressure these days ... pressure from Rob Lebel. Rob demands that the blog report is posted by no later than Tuesday or he won't read it. He also insists that the link to the blog has to be emailed to him along with the notification. I'm telling you right now that the pressure is intense and there's a price to pay because you just don't want Rob playing mind games with ya ... he's like Hanibal Lechter for god's sake.

Anyway, moving right along. It was a top of the table clash and it was a hot one and their pitch was bloody awful ... lumpy with long grass that sucked all the energy out of us. The Marblehead blokes all confirmed that the grass should have been cut but evidently getting it cut was beyond their powers ... and to quote Forest Gump ... "that's all I have to say about that". I did enjoy watching one of their players present a copy of their roster to the ref when he was checking in. The ref asked for his card and the player re-submitted the roster with the words "there you go" which I thought quite peculiar. I enjoyed the ensuing exchange and wondered why anyone would think this technique might work. Needless to say, the ref was not going to accept the crumpled roster and the miscreant was dispatched in search of his card.

We started the game brightly and carved out an early chance however Marblehead scored first and took the lead into the halftime break. Captain Flicky delivered an impassioned speech and we came back with two nice goals from Boomer. The first was a scramble off a high ball that I lost in the sun but Boomer got his melon on it and the ball squeaked into the corner of the goal. The second one was from a headed ball from Pat to Nigel Hedge who took it to the end line and cut it back with the left peg to the Boomer who smacked it into the back of the old onion bag. We had some other chances including one from Andy who belted one just past the outside wicket.

But none of this really matters because it was all about the unsung hero's of the team ... the defenders and one in particular ... young Derek and by young Derek I mean old Derek. Derek had been tasked with keeping Grubor under wraps and he did a fine job. Derek was voted 'man of the match' and presented with a non cash prize ... by non cash prize I mean ... nothing. I have been informed by JB that the defenders never get any mention in the blog and I think he's right. So here goes ... hmmm .... waiting for writers cramp to ease off ... no ... nothing .... hmmmmm ... so the defenders .... hmmm ... how about those guys eh!

This much I can confirm ... we are in first place and I betcha we will finish in first place!

Game two - Celtic spank Crapoli 4-2

This was an important game ... Napoli were, until quite recently, the team to beat and they scored first in this game and took the lead into the half but ... and I want to make this absolutely clear ... we were not concerned. Our tails were up from the start and this Limey always knew that we were going to win the game. Captain Flicky delivered a rousing half time address and we came out of the blocks like a rat out of an aqueduct. Caino scored two quick goals in the first five minutes of the second half and Celtic were controlling the ball. Crapoli did manage to get an equalizer but Dory smacked in number three and Nigel Hedge bagged number four. Crapoli caused us some trouble for about fifteen minutes in the first half but we had things well in hand for the balance of the game. We now have Caino and Dory leading the pack on two goals apiece and the promise of more. Lesly (who was nursing a hangnail) should have been on the scoreboard today but he was a bit skew whiff if you know what I mean however I do not plan to publish an anonymous op-ed on the matter. Boomer was at the game but could not play on account of the left peg being all mucked up. Please refer to exhibit A below.

Exhibit B shows Boomer consulting with Frank our highly trained medical professional. In this picture Boomer is asking Frank to point to his testicle and Frank is actually quite a way off the mark.  

Doug the Vee man played well in his kids size 4's with sparkly laces. The soft spoken, retiring Mr Viggliolottacaprese is shown here sporting his football boot earrings.

We are now tied at the top of the table with Marblehead and we play them next week. I predict that we will win it comfortably - probably six nil.

TEAM Click on a team for details	GP	W	L	T	PTS
Marblehead  map	2	1	0	1	4
North Shore Celtic FC  map	2	1	0	1	4
NS Internationals  map	2	1	1	0	3
FC Boxford  map	2	1	1	0	3
Stoneham Spartans Over 50  map	2	0	0	2	2
S.S.C. Napoli  map	2	0	2	0	0

Fall 2018 game one versus Stoneham and the introduction of Nigel Hedge!

Today was day one of the Fall 2018 season and we hosted Stoneham. Stoneham used to be our toughest opponent and the team that nobody could beat but things have changed and we feel quite capable of beating them. This mood of optimism was present from the start and was confirmed by a belter from Dori that left the keeper sprawling hopelessly. Cain got chopped down in the box after this and Boomer smashed the penalty into the top left hand corner with conviction. We were in control ... or so it seemed. They pulled one back, then another and we were all square. Ludger put us ahead on his debut but the lead was not ours for long and they scored again. It ended 3-3 and we left the field somewhat deflated because we should have won ... two points dropped. Coggs almost got carded on the sideline ... the ref objected to something he said ... I think it was the reference to his girth because I heard him call the ref a "fat fuck". Fortunately no card was brandished. The deflated mood got slightly worse because there were only meager post game suds and no munchies apart from the four granola bars I found in the back of the jam jar. But ... it's game one and we didn't lose and Pat is serving a Ruby Murray next game so it's all looking good from here on. Yes indeed, the title is basically in the bag!

Did anyone ever watch 'Man versus Wild' with an English nutter named Bear Grylls? I stumbled across a spoof I wrote in 2007 for no apparent reason. This is for your reading pleasure. Please feel free to email your complaints to the blog police. I think that Captain Flicky could play the part of Nigel Hedge quite well.

Chap versus Wild

Nigel Hedge is the English host of the “Chap versus Wild” series.

“My name is Nigel Hedge and I am going to show you how to survive the White Mountains of New Hampshire with just three items ….. a camping kit, food ….. and water.”

Dramatic music.

Camera shows Hedge on a sunny day, trudging through the woods near a brook.

NH. “As you can see, the White Mountains can be a pretty formidable place. Temperatures in the summer can get into the 80’s during the day and drop to the 50’s at night. This is a heavily forested area and the bugs can be relentless. If you don’t have insect repellent you can literally get eaten alive. Fortunately I do have insect repellent so I’m going to use it right now. (Pulls out spray can from pack and applies).”

Camera follows him forging through woods. Hedge is being overly dramatic about the terrain which is actually a pleasant woodland trail. He trips over a very small stump and has dirt and leaves all over his face.

NH sits on a log and talks directly to the camera in a hushed, exhausted voice. “I’ve been slogging through these woods for about half an hour now and I’m starting to get tired and hungry. My back is a bit sweaty and my feet are sore and achy. I have no idea where I am so I think that I will rest and take shelter.”

Camera shows NH putting up a tent in an idyllic spot next to a brook.

NH. “I do have a camping kit so I thought that I would use it. I missed breakfast this morning because I overslept and that muffin and coffee I had mid morning just isn’t doing it for me. This is a good spot to camp so I’m going to settle in and then I’m going to do something about food.”

Camera shows NH cooking a pot of chili and toasting tortillas over an open fire.

NH. “This chili is really good and we all know that you just can’t beat cooking over an open fire. It is really important to get plenty of fluids so I am going to supplement my dinner with some Newcastle Brown Ale. I don’t have a fridge but this cool brook does the job just as well. If you find yourself lost in the White Mountains you should always remember that these cool mountain streams are an excellent way to keep your beer cold.”

Camera goes inside tent.

NH is reading the Guardian sports section and rolls to one side to fart.

NH. “People ask me all the time, what the most important piece of equipment is for surviving in the White Mountains. I think that the key is the camping kit. I always toss in a newspaper because it’s nice to stay informed if you don’t have a tele.”

Camera goes to NH studying animal tracks by the brook. He recoils when he gets a bug in his eye. (Side bar with the cameraman who is trying to help get the bug out .. NH keeps saying “no, no, no, still in there” and finally says “yep, you’ve got it”).

Camera goes back to inside of the tent in the middle of the night.

NH. “It’s about 2am and I heard something rustling around outside. I think it was a chipmunk although it could have been something much bigger like a moose or a bear. Anyway, I could not get back to sleep so I made myself a cup of cocoa and now I’m doing a crossword puzzle. (Turns to cameraman and asks … what’s the capital of Peru?) It could have been a squirrel or a venison. I know that you can eat a venison. I once heard of a couple who ate nothing but venison for two days and they survived. Pretty sure that they must have dug up some wild truffles too.”

The next day.

NH. “The weather really took a turn for the worse and the tent was getting damp. I quickly ran through my options and decided to wait out the rain.”

Camera goes to NH sitting in his car listening to the radio and cutting his nails.

NH in a very earnest tone. “If you don’t have access to your car when it rains like this, you are really in trouble. There is no real way to explain how to deal with rain in the forest so I’m just going to have to show you how to do it.”

Camera goes to NH standing outside his tent getting soaked.

NH. “The best way to avoid getting your clothes really wet is to take them off. The temperature around here at the moment is a cool 74 degrees but I’m going for it anyway.”

Camera shows NH stripping off to his union jack underwear and hanging up his clothes on a washing line inside his tent.

NH. “I hope that you now have some ideas on how to survive in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I’m heading off to town now for a cappuccino.”

Dramatic music fades out.

Grant Scott

7.15.07

Road ends at semi finals

Well what can I say .... we lost to Concord. I can't write the score. They were the better team but I still hate their guts. They were a decent group of guys although they are all wankers. They played hard and fair despite being dirty bastards. Anyway, after the game we drove to Captain Flicky's and watched England thrash the pants off of Panama .... 6-1. So it was a good day. We ate chili and drank fresca's and joked around ... it was all good. Overall it was a successful season and we shall be back to do it again in the Fall.

Keep it tight at the back.

Novel writing from Dorchester

One of my favorite Python skits .... "is it approval ... no it's approaching" has to be the funniest line ever:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogPZ5CY9KoM

The final regular season game

We played Crapoli and we did not win. We finished the season in second place and will face Concord in the semi finals next week. I predict that we will beat Concord and will go on to beat Crapoli in the final.

The Evolution get a second tonking!

The Evolution go down like a sweet muffin.

We had a number of players out today and started the game with only three subs and lost Blanchy to the curse of the dodgy hamstring but we played well and put five past the Evolution. We conceded two although one of them was freaky ... a nothing shot that squirted under Frank who slipped at just the wrong time. I've reviewed the footage and there was definitely a second spitter on the grassy knoll so Frank is excused of all wrong doing. Caino scored multiple goals and has cemented his place as the highest scoring left back on the team. Pat bagged a brace that he scored with both his left and his right ... left and right foot, not testicle. Dougie Vee scored a peach of a curler into the top corner that can only be matched by his "no look passing" ability which is a gift from his creator. Captain Flicky executed some nice back passes some of which went to our team ... he really is the master of this underutilized move. Rob scampered all over the shop like a very fit butchers dog on a sugar high. Andy swept up almost all loose balls at the back and muttered something about his "assist" percentage which apparently is in double digits. Doug Vee provided the post game munchies and we feasted on calzone and cookies and drank beer that did not run out .... Brian supplied the suds and is still traumatized by the blog report of ten years ago when he underestimated the drinking needs of the team. With time, therapy and medication he will be fine and the burn marks from the electrodes should fade if he uses enough of the special lotion thrice per day as instructed. Despite the fact that we put eleven goals past the Evolution over the two encounters, it was agreed that they are a good team and they are a quite amiable bunch of coves ... hail fellows well met! It's Paschal's birthday today and the lad was smilier than usual plus the meds had clearly worn off by games end. It's nice to play footy on Sunday morning, it's better when we win and it's bestest when we thrash the opposition which is something we've done a few times this season. Next week we play Crapoli for the title and I expect that there will be fireworks aplenty! It's an early kick off at the their place ... 8am. I've concluded that we should rise at daybreak and skip the continental breakfast even though twill only take twenty minutes max ... where am I going with this ... I will tell you ... nowhere.

Here is a picture of three Irishmen ... it's a very strange picture because two aren't drinking.

Ricardo getting some gentle ribbing from JB.

It's official by the way ... we are in the play offs. The only fly in the ointment would be if we lose the last game and rack up about twenty card points ... so I am saying right now that we should make the play offs ... maybe! Remember this ... death is but a moment ... cowardice is a lifetime of affliction.

Keep it tight at the back.

Celtic travel to the outer Hebrides

We crossed the international date line and the arctic circle to play Nashua and we gave them a damned good spanking. The final score was 6-1 and they are going down. We, on the other hand, are not going down ... we're going up. Four goals from Caino, one from Rob and one from Captain Flicky. It was a goal fest. Crapoli beat Stoneham and we are firmly in second place with a good chance of making the play offs and a decent shot at the title. Winning the title could come down to the final game of the season against Crapoli and it could all be about card points because they are on nine points already. The Irish chaps on the team have already figured out the strategery ... we sacrifice a player to start a punch up in minute two after kick off that will draw cards for both teams but give us the top spot in the table ... and then we simply play for the tie. This strategy is known as "clear thinking" and not the "dirty football" that you might otherwise have concluded.

The Kate Moorman show !!!!

It was a sticky one ... the first hot and humid day of the season and we had to win to keep our play off dreams alive. We played the North Shore International men of mystery and we won 3-1 and Paschal had a blinder but that's enough about the football because the post game feast was prepared by Kate Moorman which is a serious business. There was salad, there was antipasto, there were meat balls, chicken cutlets, eggplant, sauce, gravy, various breads .... all washed down with copious amounts of beer and wine. There were also sweet Italian cookies that had to be dipped in the stuff that they put in cannoli's. We took our time and gave Kate the catering award. Moorman doesn't eat after football because every Sunday Kate cooks enough food for the entire street to eat for a week ... and I don't meant "eat" ... I mean "feast" on for a week. What about the footy I hear you ask .... well ... what about it?

I forgot Captain Flicky's ball sack and Celtic gives Stoneham a 4-1 spanking.

I forgot Captain Flicky's ball sack and there really is no excuse for this. I plan to give myself a damned good talking to and will stress the need to turn over a new leaf and get my act together so you should see a striking turnaround forthwith. This game was a big one ... bigger than any of the previous games ... about 8% bigger. We knew that a win would keep us in the three way race for the playoffs and anything less would leave us right up the swanny. BTW the swanny is a river in the United States, the Suwannee. Where am I going with this? I don't know but I do know that this game represented high drama and the aquatic reference is just silly!

So here is what happened ... we got off to a flying start with immediate high pressing that almost paid off with a goal in the first couple of minutes. We were all over them like a cheap suit. Stoneham were rocking and we were off to a flyer. The early pressure resulted in a few opportunities for us and the breakthrough came with a goal from this Limey ... a nice pass across the box from someone (possible Grubor), I took a touch and drilled one low and hard into the far left corner with the right foot ... game on. They equalized about ten minutes later but it was no more than a blip in our fortunes. We scored from a short corner from moi to Doug Vee who fizzed one into the box, there was a scramble and the ball deflected onto the underside of the bar and into the back of the old onion bag. In the interest of accuracy there was talk of the ball coming off Cain's melon and there was also talk of it being an OG but I am giving it to young Douglas even though I don't have the right to make such decisions. We went into the half with our tails up which accounts for the strong odor that I initially thought was from the fresh mulch being spread nearby. Captain Flicky delivered an impassioned half time speech laced with Churchillian references ... we shall fight them on the seas and oceans ... etc. Paschal was welling up with emotion. We had played some nice footy and the boys believed that there was more to come.

In the second half we banged in two more ... Rob got his arse into the box and was first to a loose ball which he dispatched into the back of the old onion bag like nobody's business. Our fourth goal came off a nice arcing cross to Dori who stood unmarked in the box and just had to nod it in the goal ... he then turned, smiled and waved to the jubilant crowd and I think I spotted a twinkle in his eye. There could have been more goals because we were creating more chances and had more possession. Stoneham were well and truly beaten and the press got to work on their headlines ... here are a few:

NS Celtic thrash pants off sluggish Stoneham!
Vicar - goat - wombat love triangle!
Stoneham put to the sword by marauding NS Celtic!
Stoneham team bus gets pranged in rear!

Note that the second one is not real ... I think some Russian hacker got into my blog and ran amok.

The strategery didn't work ... we lost to Crapoli.

Crapoli are certainly not aptly named these days. The new Crapoli team is chock full of Brazilians and they are pretty useful. We fell behind from an early cracker of a goal from one of their forwards who was a giant fella. They equalized for us with a back header that went awry but then we made some mistakes at the back and they punished us thrice more. We lost the game 4-1 but the imbalance was not this big. We played well overall and had a good amount of possession ... a more accurate result might be 4-3 and one of those three goals should have been from the penalty spot. Please make a note that when taking a penalty it is best not to aim for the center of the goal at stomach height! So what went wrong? Well, I can tell you this ... it was probably something to do with the recent golf trip ... I've got my best man on the case.

Spring has sprung ... the 2018 season begineth

Game four against the Evolution.

It's the spring 2018 season and I have made a late start with the blog on account of an elapsed time deficit. This is what happened so far ... we lost, we won, we won .... but enough of these details ... I'm moving on to match four against the Evolution because Captain Flicky handed the reins to me and Caino so the heat was on and there were some big boots to fill and so on an so forth. It was also a big one because a bunch of nameless wankers shuffled off to Myrtle Beach to play golf (which is a very silly game by the way) and leave us in the lurch ... or so we thought? For the record, the nameless ones are Andy, Pat, Paschal, JB, Captain Flicky and Frank and they will be sitting on the naughty step (aka subs bench) to think about what they have done. Young Douglas Vigliolottalinguine also needs to park his jacksy on the bench because he was in Florida and I think he tried to get his small ball into a small and distant hole or two ... disgraceful.

On to the match ... Coggs in net, Lesly, Rob and Derek at the back, Boomer and Dori were the double stoppers, Sweney, Grubor and me in the middle, Caino and Wilberforce up front. Gilf and Blanchy were the subs. I know what you are thinking and you're right ... this is indeed a fiendishly clever line up. We were short handed and two chaps were carrying injuries but we played a blinder with only two subs. It went something like this ... we scored, they scored, we scored, we scored, they scored, we scored, we scored, they scored, we scored .... nine goals and we got six of them which means (and I've counted twice) that we won ... again! Caino (the scoring machine) bagged four and Grubor got two ... he should have had a hat trick but put a penalty the wrong side of the post although he did send the hapless keeper the wrong way. I have carefully analysed my match notes and it's fair to say that everyone played well ... we had most of the ball and put together some Barce-mid-season-esque passing that was quite pleasing on the mince pies. Despite the talent on the Evolution team they never troubled us. They were awarded a penalty somewhere along the way that "Coggs the cat" saved as usual. We retired to the parking lot to feast on bangers and beer in the cool drizzle ... the perfect end to a Sunday morning game of footy!

So how did we pull this off I hear you ask ... well the answer is simple ... strategery.