My mum is right ...

In the last ten years my mum has been asking me if perhaps at the age of 62 I was too old to be playing football. I've always had the same response to this ... " yes mum I am too old to be playing football and I've been too old for about twenty years". But today I really think that my mum is right to ask this question because not only am I knackered and sore after every game but during the game I make passes and shots that are so bad that they make me realize that I can play far worse than I ever imagined. Why do I mention this now? Answer ... well here's the thing ... I don't think it's just me. It definitely is me but not just me. As a team I think we have a good amount of skill and clearly everyone can play but at times we really are crap. Not all the time thankfully ... but occasionally it's noticeable. Take Captain Flicky for instance ... the captain stepped up and played net in the second half and made some saves and overall did a fine job. However he did participate in a few howlers including a gift of a ball to one of their strikers who magically fired it over the bar from point blank range ... courtesy of the red mist descending on him when in front of the net. Anyway, what is my point? My point is this ..... I think I may be a carrier and I'm infecting the whole team.

Johnny G got yet another hat trick today although he only scored one goal and we tied North Andover 2-2. Juice got the second goal with his melon off a nice cut back cross from Caino. Tom abandoned us so Walter "the cat" took the net in the first half and Captain Flicky "le chat" took it in the second half. Both of these chaps deserve a lot of credit because playing net is bloody tricky. Walter struggled with high balls ... those over three feet off the ground ... but Captain Flicky looked like a keeper on account of him being a "long haddock" ... a term that my nan used to use about my younger brother who was always taller than me.

Johnny G made an impassioned speech at half time that was quite different to previous speeches. The gist of it was that we should stop playing nice football and just hoof it down the field ... Johnny was preaching to the choir with this Limey. All of Johnny's previous half time speeches may as well have been in Mandarin because I didn't understand a word, but this one rang true.

One of the best parts of the game today was listening the Anthony on the North Andover team get into a screaming match with their coach. Some of the language could be described as "salty" and I enjoyed it all enormously. Another highlight of the game was just how quickly Rob whipped off his shreddies in the parking lot. He really is the master of quick changing behind a tea towel and a car door and it doesn't even matter if anyone is looking which is slightly concerning, given the pending case involving Rob and a goat love triangle. Another strange thing about today's game .... I could not hear Taso. I played in front of him for a bit and even then I couldn't hear him. I think that something is quite wrong and it's not my lug holes.

Ged was even quieter today, in fact it was like he wasn't even there! After the game under a shady maple tree JB plucked a bottomless beer cooler from his jam jar and presented me with a tasty IPA  ... it's good to have friends who carry ample supplies of beer that they can produce from shrubberies at the drop of a hat. The Hammers beat Southampton 3-0 today and secured Europa League footy so it was a good day.

We slipped on a banana skin today !!!

Captain Flicky was back at the helm today and we had a couple of subs and it was sunny but a bit chilly around the willy at kick off. We opened the scoring early on with a cross to Johnny who got his melon on it and put it into the back of the old onion bag. Johnny went on to score yet another hat trick although one of the goals was scored by Rob. I have since explained to Rob that he was way out of line. When Johnny passed the ball to me in front of the net in the second half I did the right thing and made a complete hash of it because I understand and respect that only Johnny scores our goals. Melrose were a good footballing team and we had them down 3-1 at one point but we mucked up and they scored three more which meant that we came in second! I'm not quite sure how we lost but I think it may have been because they scored more goals than we did because the final score was 4-3. 

Captain Flicky and Taso had words at the end of the game, vendetta's were issued and pins were inserted into effigies but I expect that all will be forgiven and forgotten as soon as the sharpeners kick in. This is what is so great about football ... no matter what happens on the pitch we drink beer afterwards, crack a few jokes, tell a few stories and do it all again the next week. 

I heard a lot of theories after the game and as usual they made almost no sense to me and Dougie wasn't around to draw it out on the white board. I was a bit distracted by a tasty IPA that JB provided for me. This kind of service basically means that I never write anything bad about JB ... it's a win-win. Tom was magnificent in net but overall something was missing with us and I am suggesting that Tom should hand out his meds to the whole team before our next game. Talking of the next game I know that Tom cannot be there which is a bit of a scary prospect. 

Nevertheless, next week we are away at Concord and I'm betting that we give them a spanking and keep it tight at the back. 

Who needs em'?

This morning we played Lexington short handed on account of a bunch of wankers off on a daft golf trip. We agreed that the golfers should be unnamed because of their shameful behavior. The unnamed miscreants are ANDY, JB, DOUG, CAPTAIN FLICKY and PAT. 

Lexington showed up early with a passel of subs and they immediately started playing mind games .... they sent two pregnant grandpa's out to knock the ball around and perform calisthenics. One had to leave with braxton hicks.

Tom showed up right on time albeit at the Lexington pitch so Walter went in goal for the start of the game which meant that we started the game with ten players. Walter made a few saves but Tom eventually arrived at our pitch and we were up to eleven players for a solid ten minutes before Derek hobbled off with a hammy. Christos had to leave at half time to slaughter a goat for Greek Easter so we played the rest of the game with nine. Nevertheless Johnny G bagged another hat trick and we kept it very tight at the back for the clean sheet. Lexington had a few half decent players but could not break us down. Taso shouted at everyone for the full ninety minutes and failed the post game drug test. The authorities asked Taso to provide a sperm, stool and urine sample so he made things easy and gave them his shreddies! The results are quite disturbing ... gonorrhea, covid and dementia. Rob had a problem with every member of the Lexington team especially their winger Miggs. When Clarice Starling passed his cell, Miggs made a crass sexual remark which prompted Rob to talk him into swallowing his tongue, resulting in his death. This will save Rob the trouble of hacking him to the ground the next time we play Lexington.

Ged showed up after the game with bags of bagels, donuts and long cheesy tadgers. Cain showed up in civvies to watch the game and talk strategery ... he is an expert in these matters and is successfully entertaining a multitude of ladies without any of them realizing that they aren't "the one". Cain will be appearing on Shark Tank to sell his proprietary software/lubricant package ... "Bonkaway".