Game 9 ... I can't even write the score!

What can I say? They scored and I equalized with a belter from the edge of the box but after this the wheels fell off and an axle and the front end and the exhaust system and they scored more goals. Ian served chicken curry and there were many fine brews on offer. It all comes down to the final game of the season.

Game 8 - squeaky bum time!

It was bright but breezy and downright chilly when we kicked off in Peabody at 9am on their dodgy pitch that appeared to have been used for a tractor pull the day before. We dominated the game for ninety minutes but just could not put the ball in the net despite skimming the bar, hitting the post and having one cleared off the line.  Peabody were a feisty lot of generally below average, grouchy, chippy, bed wetters. 

We ended the game at nil nil but should have won two nil. Relegation is now a serious concern and next weeks game against the Seadogs is critical. I am predicting a three nil win however. Our final game against Concord will be a stern test but I expect that we will give them a spanking nonetheless ... I'm going with five nil for this one!

I had to dash off after the game and only managed to drink one brewsky but did see that Tom looked to be serving up a feast.

Game 7 - we came second!

The Lexington Regal Eagles keeper looked a bit old and knackered but proved to be a geriatric cat who used to play pro. He saved a penalty and at least two other goal bound shots that would have beaten any other keeper in the league. The final score was 5-3 and they scored two in the last ten minutes which was a bummer. Cain scored two and George got one for us and George's goal was an official "belter".

We adjourned to the Gilf's post game pastoral pad for beer and munchies after the match .... we enjoyed a fire pit, a pack of friendly pooches and some tasty bites. The Gilf was pumping out sausages and burgers on the grill at a furious pace. I pigged out on crisps (chips to the Sherman Tanks), drank two beers and loaded up a sausage. This would normally be a perfectly satisfactory lunch but I decided to go for a burger as well and this proved to be my downfall. After the party I drove homeward and nodded off at every stop light. I woke up each time when my head hit the horn and passers by started banging on the window. 

I got home and headed for the shower but decided to catch a few zeds on the bed whilst watching the Hammers thrash Everton. I missed most of the game because I was snoozing. When I finally woke up it was getting dark so I took my shower, changed straight into my PJ's, skipped dinner and went back to bed where I would "sleep the sleep of a thousand martyrs". I know what you are thinking and yes you are right ... I'm an old fart and a lightweight beer drinker! JB pours two beers on his morning frosted flakes for heavens sake!

Next up are Peabody which still sounds like an insult to me!

Game 6 - Evolution thrashes pants off NS Raiders 3-2 and crowd goes wild !!!!

They got off to a rough start and coughed up an own goal in the second minute, then they scored two against the run of play. Ricardo stuck one in the back of the old onion bag five minutes from the end to even it up and Rino nodded one in at the death to win it all. We should have won by more and they can thank their keeper because he made a couple of stunning saves. But enough of this footy talk. 

This was the Kate Moorman show (ably assisted by sous chef Yiannis Moorhen) and the young lass came through with the goods once again. We feasted on pulled pork (prepared by Yiannis slow cooked over many hours), top notch and top shelf cornbread, fried chicken (next level), potato salad, fixings, sauces and other stuff that I'm forgetting. We washed down said victuals with assorted beers, cognac and whiskey. The cognac was a clear hit in the drinks department. There was also a tarty thing and I can confirm that I am partial to a nice tart as I am sure many of us are! The fruitier the better I say!!

Pace is the key when Kate is catering. Here are some guidelines for the new recruits .... I saw many a chap dive in deep early only to fizzle out in short order.

1. Post game first off ... remove sweaty shreddies. Important to have a dry undercarriage for maximum enjoyment of feast.

2. Set up chair.

3. Drink one beer.

4. Sample a little something edible but don't gorge.

5. Drink second beer or substitute with cognac/whiskey.

6. Load up first plate. Don't go crazy here ... there's always too much food ... pace is the key!

7. Load up second plate. You can go heavy at this point.

8. Third beer. You should be sipping at this stage.

9. Dessert.

10. More beers until you doze off. Have blankie handy in case nap turns into all nighter.

11. Wake up by first light, wipe off pigeon droppings and drive home.

To the uninitiated I encourage you to bring tupperware next time ... this is how you should leave one of these feasts .... I was working on the leftovers until Thursday! Why do I get special treatment from Kate? Answer ... no idea, I think she's mixing me up with someone else.

Game five - We thrashed Juventus to a tie!

Basically everyone on our team was injured so we only had a few subs available for the Juventus encounter ... ironic given the fact that we had about twenty subs for the first game of the season. Juventus were a scary prospect having not dropped a point and sporting a healthy goal difference.  All in all there should have been some trepidation on our part ... but there was not ... no siree!

The Everett pitch was top notch with perfect, new, freshly mowed and watered artificial turf and a capacity crowd of perhaps six. We assembled for the 8am kick off with our new silky shirts and Stanley Matthew replica shorts made of jute. We played rather well right from the off and Caino smartly banged two into the back of the old onion bag in short order ... probably mirroring his tally from his sexual onion bag earlier in the morning! Juve luckily pulled one back before the half and managed another in the second half. However, and I cannot stress this enough (although I have been told a million times, not to exaggerate) ... we played well throughout and gave them quite a lot to think about and we put the cat amongst the pigeons and the mongoose amongst the cobras. The passing was crisp and accurate and we carved out multiple chances that should have won us the game. Overall they were skillful and they had a whippet of a forward but we matched up well. Ilya B was a colossus between the pipes despite playing with a broken digit.

Overall it felt like we should have won the game but taking a point was OK. Tom provided the post game victuals that were gobbled up by the hungry horde.

In conclusion I am suggesting that perhaps the tide has turned for us?

I was wrong about spanking Peabody ....

I was right about spanking Peabody at the start but in the second half things went horribly wrong for us and we came second again. Jeff scored a nice belter of a goal in the first five minutes ... our first goal of the season in fact. We played quite well in the first half but not so much in the second which leads me to conclude that a pattern is emerging.

The post game munchies were solid and the beers were nice and cold but things got even better as the Bostridge/Gilfeather fleet of watercraft hit the high seas in Salem. Ilya F, Ricardo, Captain Flicky, the Gilf and myself enjoyed a few hours on the water. Captain Flicky was especially mental about keeping salt water off of his vinyl ... we were in the wet and salty ocean!

GAME FOUR VERSUS NASHUA

I missed this report ... we beat Nashua 3-1 up at their place in Nova Scotia. The field was really bad but we played well and they were crap! I think that Nashua are destined for the drop!

Game two versus Concord

The weather was close to perfect for our second game of the season and it was a very pleasant drive out to leafy Concord especially after executing two successful bowel movements. This is the minimum required for this Limey before kicking a ball. I encourage all to follow my regime because emptying the tank before kick off really is the way to go. The plastic pitch was freshly mowed and our opponents were cordial despite a comment from a Scouser that he loved beating up Londoners! 

We started brightly, carved out a few chances and held Concord for the majority of the first half. In the second half the doors fell off and we finished the game in second place. The score is something that I cannot write even four days after the fact. My therapist is still talking me down and promises to remove the electrodes in a week or so.

So Concord won the game but we won the after party by a country mile. The lunch was excellent with meat balls provided by JB and a deli platter supplied by Captain Flicky. I need to highlight the fact that JB provided parmesan cheese to sprinkle on his balls ... delicious. There were cookies and chips (aka crisps) and the beer supply was cold, varied and of very high quality. I was especially thirsty on account of chasing shadows for 90 minutes and I matched my personal world record of three beers ... IN A ROW! I went with the Notch Pils on account of general sweatiness. 

Next week we play Peabody and I bet we give them a damned good spanking.

New beginnings !!!!

On account of my advancing years I moved up to the over 55's along with Captain Flicky (aka Bill Bostridge), Yiannis Moorhen (John Moorman), JB (Jay Bee), Derek (aka Dennis, aka Dell boy, aka Denzel) and Caino (the bonking king). FYI Cain is known as the "bonking king" on account of the vast passel of lady friends that he entertains. But I digress. We joined the Evolution for two reasons ... firstly the impressive logo showing the transition from ape to footballer and secondly their impressive leader ... the young and irrepressible Freddy Encalada. The lawyers and agents figured out the transfer fee which I believe was a six pack, payable over five years. I have to review the transfer documents but I learned that WE have to pay .... this comes to one beer apiece and I plan to hold out on payment until at least year three. Another part of the deal was messed up and apparently I have to keep writing this damned blog. There was an escape clause involving the scoring of a penalty. Unfortunately I blasted one over the bar and will be paying the price for that for quite some time. I actually paid quite a bit already because some of the Celtics were on hand for the miss and they were quite beastly to me. I cried myself to sleep on Sunday night and wet the bed twice.

We played the Seadogs and basically both teams cancelled each other out on almost every part of the pitch. On balance we were the better team in the first half and they were possibly better in the second. Neither team carved out any real opportunities although some impressive goal keeping on our part kept the game on a knife edge for some time.

The Evolution really showed their strength and character after the game and were clearly light years ahead of the Seadogs on moral fiber ... tables appeared, a grill was fired up and Freddy transitioned from head coach to head chef. Most of the chaps hung around for the after party and once again I found myself struggling to keep up with some furious beer consumption. I plan to buckle down and turn this around in upcoming games. My goal is to be able to drink three in a row and stay awake! Note to self ... bring pillow to next game. JB is working on a similar beer consumption target and is aiming to drink three in a row every five minutes for an hour while steadfastly avoiding a punch up!

For new readers to this blog do not be alarmed ... there is generally no detail about the football or analysis of tactics. Occasionally I may mention the score but that's about it. By week nine I hope to mention some people by name because by then I may actually know some of your names.

If you have any complaints please file them with my research assistant Hugh Jarse.

Keep it tight at the back.

Earnest Scribbler.

Celtic thrashes Stoneham 2-1 in final game of the season

 It was hot and sunny and we had no subs and they had plenty ... but we had two secret weapons ... moral fiber and Captain Flicky! We lined up 4-4-2 with three of the geriatrics (me, JB and Captain Flicky) who are moving up next season. We played really well from the start with a heavy emphasis on patient possession that was rewarded with a goal from Juice who collected a long ball from Johnny G and then squeezed it around the keeper ... yes, Juice squeezed one in! Stoneham pulled one back with a goal that was clearly offside but we took the lead back with a perfectly crossed ball from Walter that Johnny G nodded in with his melon. It is just as well that we did not score more because I'm running out of fruit related comments. 

In the interest of accuracy I can state that Tom played OK and did not score. Here is Tom's fictional version of events written in a style that it strikingly similar to Wordsworth.

"The old team playing it’s final match was stellar which of course was all do to the excellent coaching by Gaffer in his last game.  As a wise move he played his best team on the field which of course included his all star goalie who was exceptional again!!!! The goalie was the main focus of the game making stellar saves left and right, reminiscent of days ago by goalie gods. It’s amazing how well he played not only stopping a multitude of shots, breakaways but, also scoring the winning goal off a beautiful cross from Walter. Truly a exceptional day by the keeper."

We ended the season in second place and almost pipped Stoneham who were one yellow card away from coughing up their top spot. It was probably a good thing that we were not aware of this because it would have been a flop fest and my comment about moral fiber would perhaps have to be revised.

The old farts are moving on to play with the even older, old farts. I have had a great time with this team and enjoyed writing this post game nonsense every week. I can certainly write up your game reports next season if you like ... the lack of factual material and details about the games should not be an issue. 

Celtic 5 North Shore International men of mystery 1

We gave them a damned good tonking today and Johnny G got a couple of hat tricks and would have possibly had more if the shots from the halfway line had gone in! Juice got one goal and Rob got one too. Rob's was memorable because he was kinda ducking to get out of the way of the ball which glanced off his shoulder and magically went in the net. But let me make it quite clear that none of this would have happened without the influence of Derek. Derek played "a blinder" today. We used this term in the old country when I was a lad and it was a high compliment. It never really made much sense to me because being blind would, in my mind at least, make it rather tricky to play football well. 

"Dating from the 1950s, blinder is a colloquial term for ‘a dazzlingly good piece of play’ in sport, especially in rugby or cricket."

Anyway, Derek was brilliant ... closing players down, tackling like a man possessed, passing with perfection, playing with vision, passing well ... think I mentioned this already, err ... working the offside trap, um ... taking some good throw in's ... and other complimentary things too. Derek also presented me with a cold heady topper after the game and just so everyone understands ... I CAN BE BOUGHT. Cash works but good beer works best. 

I listened intently to the various half time speeches and once again was flummoxed and understood almost none of the analysis. Yiannis Moorhen chatted with me at the interval and here is a summary of the conversation:

Yiannis. What are we doing wrong?

Me. I don't know.

Yiannis. What should we change?

Me. I don't know.

Yiannis. Should we switch to 4-4-2?

Me. I don't know.

Yiannis. Should we play wider?

Me. I don't know.

Yiannis ... well I won't labor the point but the questions and answers lasted for at least fifteen minutes. The last question was ... should we go for the win?

Me. Err ... probably?

Rob had a strong game by which I mean he did a "Hannibal Lecter" on one of their chaps who took the bait and then had a verbal spat with the ref, a couple of our players, Captain Flicky and a dog walker who was out for a stroll by the field with his Jack Russel.

After the game Rob regaled us with tales of his Grandpapi which was touching and interesting. Interesting because it revealed something that none of us knew ... evidently Rob has a heart. It is very small and tucked deep in his chest and it barely beats at all. I think it's about the size of a squirrel's heart. 

I think we have a shot at the playoffs but I really don't know for sure.

My mum is right ...

In the last ten years my mum has been asking me if perhaps at the age of 62 I was too old to be playing football. I've always had the same response to this ... " yes mum I am too old to be playing football and I've been too old for about twenty years". But today I really think that my mum is right to ask this question because not only am I knackered and sore after every game but during the game I make passes and shots that are so bad that they make me realize that I can play far worse than I ever imagined. Why do I mention this now? Answer ... well here's the thing ... I don't think it's just me. It definitely is me but not just me. As a team I think we have a good amount of skill and clearly everyone can play but at times we really are crap. Not all the time thankfully ... but occasionally it's noticeable. Take Captain Flicky for instance ... the captain stepped up and played net in the second half and made some saves and overall did a fine job. However he did participate in a few howlers including a gift of a ball to one of their strikers who magically fired it over the bar from point blank range ... courtesy of the red mist descending on him when in front of the net. Anyway, what is my point? My point is this ..... I think I may be a carrier and I'm infecting the whole team.

Johnny G got yet another hat trick today although he only scored one goal and we tied North Andover 2-2. Juice got the second goal with his melon off a nice cut back cross from Caino. Tom abandoned us so Walter "the cat" took the net in the first half and Captain Flicky "le chat" took it in the second half. Both of these chaps deserve a lot of credit because playing net is bloody tricky. Walter struggled with high balls ... those over three feet off the ground ... but Captain Flicky looked like a keeper on account of him being a "long haddock" ... a term that my nan used to use about my younger brother who was always taller than me.

Johnny G made an impassioned speech at half time that was quite different to previous speeches. The gist of it was that we should stop playing nice football and just hoof it down the field ... Johnny was preaching to the choir with this Limey. All of Johnny's previous half time speeches may as well have been in Mandarin because I didn't understand a word, but this one rang true.

One of the best parts of the game today was listening the Anthony on the North Andover team get into a screaming match with their coach. Some of the language could be described as "salty" and I enjoyed it all enormously. Another highlight of the game was just how quickly Rob whipped off his shreddies in the parking lot. He really is the master of quick changing behind a tea towel and a car door and it doesn't even matter if anyone is looking which is slightly concerning, given the pending case involving Rob and a goat love triangle. Another strange thing about today's game .... I could not hear Taso. I played in front of him for a bit and even then I couldn't hear him. I think that something is quite wrong and it's not my lug holes.

Ged was even quieter today, in fact it was like he wasn't even there! After the game under a shady maple tree JB plucked a bottomless beer cooler from his jam jar and presented me with a tasty IPA  ... it's good to have friends who carry ample supplies of beer that they can produce from shrubberies at the drop of a hat. The Hammers beat Southampton 3-0 today and secured Europa League footy so it was a good day.

We slipped on a banana skin today !!!

Captain Flicky was back at the helm today and we had a couple of subs and it was sunny but a bit chilly around the willy at kick off. We opened the scoring early on with a cross to Johnny who got his melon on it and put it into the back of the old onion bag. Johnny went on to score yet another hat trick although one of the goals was scored by Rob. I have since explained to Rob that he was way out of line. When Johnny passed the ball to me in front of the net in the second half I did the right thing and made a complete hash of it because I understand and respect that only Johnny scores our goals. Melrose were a good footballing team and we had them down 3-1 at one point but we mucked up and they scored three more which meant that we came in second! I'm not quite sure how we lost but I think it may have been because they scored more goals than we did because the final score was 4-3. 

Captain Flicky and Taso had words at the end of the game, vendetta's were issued and pins were inserted into effigies but I expect that all will be forgiven and forgotten as soon as the sharpeners kick in. This is what is so great about football ... no matter what happens on the pitch we drink beer afterwards, crack a few jokes, tell a few stories and do it all again the next week. 

I heard a lot of theories after the game and as usual they made almost no sense to me and Dougie wasn't around to draw it out on the white board. I was a bit distracted by a tasty IPA that JB provided for me. This kind of service basically means that I never write anything bad about JB ... it's a win-win. Tom was magnificent in net but overall something was missing with us and I am suggesting that Tom should hand out his meds to the whole team before our next game. Talking of the next game I know that Tom cannot be there which is a bit of a scary prospect. 

Nevertheless, next week we are away at Concord and I'm betting that we give them a spanking and keep it tight at the back. 

Who needs em'?

This morning we played Lexington short handed on account of a bunch of wankers off on a daft golf trip. We agreed that the golfers should be unnamed because of their shameful behavior. The unnamed miscreants are ANDY, JB, DOUG, CAPTAIN FLICKY and PAT. 

Lexington showed up early with a passel of subs and they immediately started playing mind games .... they sent two pregnant grandpa's out to knock the ball around and perform calisthenics. One had to leave with braxton hicks.

Tom showed up right on time albeit at the Lexington pitch so Walter went in goal for the start of the game which meant that we started the game with ten players. Walter made a few saves but Tom eventually arrived at our pitch and we were up to eleven players for a solid ten minutes before Derek hobbled off with a hammy. Christos had to leave at half time to slaughter a goat for Greek Easter so we played the rest of the game with nine. Nevertheless Johnny G bagged another hat trick and we kept it very tight at the back for the clean sheet. Lexington had a few half decent players but could not break us down. Taso shouted at everyone for the full ninety minutes and failed the post game drug test. The authorities asked Taso to provide a sperm, stool and urine sample so he made things easy and gave them his shreddies! The results are quite disturbing ... gonorrhea, covid and dementia. Rob had a problem with every member of the Lexington team especially their winger Miggs. When Clarice Starling passed his cell, Miggs made a crass sexual remark which prompted Rob to talk him into swallowing his tongue, resulting in his death. This will save Rob the trouble of hacking him to the ground the next time we play Lexington.

Ged showed up after the game with bags of bagels, donuts and long cheesy tadgers. Cain showed up in civvies to watch the game and talk strategery ... he is an expert in these matters and is successfully entertaining a multitude of ladies without any of them realizing that they aren't "the one". Cain will be appearing on Shark Tank to sell his proprietary software/lubricant package ... "Bonkaway". 

The spring has sprung!

 I got a few complaints yesterday that the blog had not been updated so I'm all over it now like a cheap suit. Last week was game one and we beat the North Shore International Men of Mystery 1-0 with a goal from Juice. The weather was perfect and the turf field at North Reading High School was freshly cut ... I like this joke so I'm sticking with it and probably for the whole season. We started the game with one sub but at the half Boomer had to go to work and then Mike Blanch and John Moorhen

 

got injured (hang nail and sun stroke) and we finished with nine chaps and spent the last ten minutes hanging on for dear life. 

Game two was an entirely different kettle of fish ... subs, grass pitch and a strong opponent. Johnny Gee put on a master class and scored a hat trick. Two goals were belters and one was a cracker! We won the game 4-2 and Rob got spat at in the face ... a first offence that in biblical times would be punishable by crucifixion. Somehow the wanker got off with nothing although Rob had a side bar conversation with Doug and the horse's head has been ordered and should be in the wanker's bed by Thursday. Rob was fit to be tied and was brooding in the parking lot for quite some time after the final whistle ... actually this is not unusual at all ... he does this after most games. Ged showed up after having a shot into his willy. The northern bastard should tell the nurse next time that the covid jab is supposed to go in yer arm! 

Ged was fresh back from Florida where he drank one orange juice, as seen here:

I'm guessing that the lime wedge was a bit off.

He then fell into a deep depression about the poor quality Florida citrus crop this year:

Taso, meanwhile ordered a toilet bowl sized cocktail that was served by a local dog walker:

For two weeks in a row Cain did not score ... did not score on the football pitch that is. In the bedroom he is still the league leader with 302 hitting the back of the net in the first two weeks.