The final match of the season is a 3-0 win over DEA

It was a chilly one and we played on our home turf in front of a large crowd of perhaps seven ... although the crowd seemed bigger probably because both teams had subs ... actually I think that there may have been ten people by the end of the game and I'm not exaggerating. My dad told me a million times ... don't exaggerate! (I thank you). We moved the ball well today, scored three goals, conceded none and finished the season in second place in our flight. We played as well as we had all season and won quite comfortably. DEA went a little bit mental toward the end of the game and one fella managed to get himself red carded by suggesting to ref that he go and fudge himself ... rarely a good suggestion I feel.

Immediately after the match we took this team picture which features Gedwood the Northern Bastard fiddling with Billy's undercarriage for reasons that my legal team have advised me not to go into.

After the picture taking we trogged over to the Gilf's house and feasted on all manner of fixings prepared by Kate and John Moorman ... this is not a typo ... Yiannis Moorhen aka John Moorman made the coleslaw and the pulled pork and I'm not pulling your plonker ... he really did! Dougie Vee held court and regaled us with stories of derring do from the underbelly of life in the trenches of criminal detection in Boston. He guzzled scotch whilst expounding and he did not get louder ... he started loud and maintained an even level of loudspeak the whole time ... it was a master class. 

Kate made three different kinds of pie for dessert and I made a point of trying each of them for to not do this would be disrespectful and downright wrong. I drank a couple of sharpeners with the feast, came home, showered and dozed off on the couch in front of the pellet stove ... I may have dreamed the dreams of a thousand martyrs ... whatever that means.  

We had a good season and I look forward to doing it again in the spring. 

Keep it tight at the back!

Celtic beats Boxford in 7 goal thriller

It was a bright and brisk morning when we faced Boxford who are without a doubt a pretty decent team. We were short of subs and Brahim showed up late and then promptly got himself red carded along with a Boxford player.

Anyway, here's the story.

Caino scored. They equalized. Dori scored, They equalized. Gilf scored. They equalized. Gilf scored again and they did not equalize. When you add all this up we won 4-2. Hang on that's not right ... 5-1. Nope ... 4-3. I checked with Trump and he thought the score was nil-nil but he's an idiot.

Cains goal was from a quite acute angle but with tucked away quite nicely. Dori's goal was a cross that happened to drop in the net ... actually I made that up ... it was a shot ... it must have been because it went in. Gilf's first goal was a tap in from close range. The second goal was nutted in with his melon.

The chaps were on good form for the post game social hour. Rob made snarky comments and Ged said daft shit. Andy made a pot of chili with lots of beans in it and I mention this because he had already cooked ... this obviously means that Andy is not lacking in moral fiber. Next week we play DEA and we need to avenge the loss at their place. Beating DEA will mean that we get second place  leaving DEA and Marblehead to fight over the relegation spot.

We woz robbed!

We lost 2-1 to North Shore International men of mystery who are a prickly, bad tempered gaggle of n'er do wells. We played on a cool and wet Sunday morning on a dodgy pitch that was so narrow that it resembled a corridor.

We woz robbed five minutes into the game with a goal that was at least a yard offside ... possibly two yards. The ref was terrible and clearly got the call wrong ... it was quite maddening and I have no idea how he could believe that the player was onside. Am I suspicious? Yes I am. Do I smell a rat? Yes I do. Do I suspect foul play? Yes I do. Do I have more questions and answers? Yes I do.



We pulled one back with a nice volleyed goal by Caino and then they scored another pretty good goal so the game really should have been a 1-1 tie. We had some more chances but struggled to get our usual rhythm together on a lumpy pitch. I did get a late opportunity from a direct free kick ... the ball was headed straight to the top corner but somehow the keeper got to it.

The Gilf dropped off a good lunch before kick off and then shot off home to vomit and crap his way through the rest of the day ... the Gilf had stomach flu but in dropping off the lunch proved that he was not lacking in moral fiber.

Marblehead gets a tonking!

FIVE NIL !!!

We lined up 4-4-2 on a chilly early morning kick with the sun in our eyes and we had a close 45 minutes with a number of missed chances and a ball cleared off our line ... by this Limey bastard I should note. We went into the half tied at 0-0 but then everything changed. Captain Flicky got his foot on the ball and made at least three back heels to the opposition when easy passes to team mates were at hand. But, as with everything Captain Flicky does there is solid reasoning and it quite clearly triggered our goal fest. Walter made the first goal with a beautifully floated ball that Cain nodded in with his melon. Cain scored two on the day and Doug, Brahim and Oscar got the others.

After the game we feasted on sausage, onions and peppers prepared by Andy along with brownies and ice cream. The lads were feeling good and the consensus was that we played quite well. Tom kept a clean sheet and did not go mental even once which is both heartening and puzzling? Marblehead did fairly well in the middle but had very little up front and were obviously a bit dodgy at the back.

I am making a bold prediction that if we keep winning like this we should avoid relegation!

Bugger, bugger, bugger ... we lose 3-2 to Stoneham

My opening statement is this ... football is a game of two halves. I know that this is true because we played two halves and in the first we held the ball for long periods and made lots of short passes and looked kinda unbeatable. Caino scored our first goal with a glancing header and I got the second one from the penalty spot. Now moving on to the second ... we did not play as well, did not hold or pass the ball as well and guess what ... we managed to concede three times which is really bloody annoying. I can't go into the details on account of the frustration level. Next week we play Marblehead and if we don't pick up a win we could well be in a dog fight to avoid relegation. 

Ged supplies a very nice turkey chili and very nice beef chili !!!

We lost 2-1 to DEA Bedford who were quite thrilled to win their first division one game at our expense. It was pretty bad that we gave them three points especially as we were the better team. I don't really understand how on earth we lost although an own goal and a missed penalty did not help ... please note that I have carefully omitted the names of the offenders to save their blushes (it was Dory and Pat).

Rob scored our goal ... a speculative shot through a crowd and an odd bounce that fooled the keeper. There was another notable point about Rob after the game was over ... he  donned a silk patterned burka and rearranged his undergarments pitch side. I believe that this is because it was a bit chilly around the ... around the ... um ... it was a bit chilly. We pressed so much that we did get caught on the break in the second half but Tom made a really nice save to keep things from getting worse.

What else ... the DEA field was pretty shitty and I am considering using this as an explanation for why we lost.

Game 4 - a loss!

Another warm and perfect morning with the pitch in great shape. We faced Andover and the plan was to win and maintain our position at the top of table …. a solid plan that seemed quite within our reach given our recent possession based performances. Captain Flicky was recovering from having his testicles removed so he was a bit hoarse and Andy did the pre-match speaking. We were as one chanting “Billy’s tonsils” on three. I just spotted a typo a little way back by the way … testicles was a mistake and should read … TONSILS. Sorry for any confusion.

It was quite clear from the kick off that Andover were good and had picked up some new players who were a bit useful and had made them stronger than when we last played them. However we were playing well and had more of the ball in the first half. We carved out a few chances that we could not take … something that would prove to be our undoing. We went into half time tied at 0-0. They were awarded a penalty in the second half for an outrageous verbal onslaught by Captain Flicky … the Captain talked his way straight into the book and essentially disappeared for the rest of the game which is actually not true because Billy didn’t play at all … on account of the testicles … sorry, sorry … TONSILS.  Things further unraveled for us and they scored two more goals so the game ended as a 3-0 defeat which was our heaviest of the season. We shuffled off the pitch and congregated for the post-match victuals and libations.

I supplied bagels, assorted meats, fixings and tomatoes from my garden. The highlight was the preparation and serving of a special “bite” for Rob which included a generous dollop of jalapeno salsa. It should be added that both Rob and I were shreddie free for all of the post match … why do I mention this? Frankly I have no idea but I do encourage fellow team mates to lose the shreddies after the match on a warm day because it is a singular pleasure to get some air to the boys down below. Doug Vee the carnival barker kept the lads entertained with stories of detection and a recounting of his recent holiday in France where he was summarily shushed by assorted French folks for the crime of speaking loudly and dotting his narrative with a multitude of expletives. When asked for a general comment about the French, Doug replied “those fucking people” … which I feel sums up his thoughts quite nicely.

Celtic beats Nashua 3-0 and we are top of the table!

Congratulations to Captain Flicky …. accomplished athlete, businessman, raconteur, wit, convivial gentleman and now sexagenarian*

* Sexagenarian: A 60 year old person who considers and quickly dismisses sexually activity in favor of a cup of tea and a nap

Happy birthday Captain Flicky you old bastard!

This one was a walk in the park really because the Celtic played like a well oiled machine ... retained possession, short passes, move into space ... the works. The goals came from Andy, Brahim and Caino, and the peach of the batch was Andy's for sure ... he picked up the ball on our goal line and sprinted the entire length of the pitch gliding smoothly through multiple players before sending the keeper full stretch but unable to stop a rocket of a shot that bulged the old onion bag to a fair thee well. Andy will be furnishing me with a cash payment for the shameless embellishment of a rather pedestrian tap in ... a service that I am happy to offer all team mates.

Celtic had all of the possession and were quite untroubled by Nashua who were simply out of their depth for the entire game ... it was men against boys and we could have had at least six goals. Tom was never troubled and got his first clean sheet of the season. The only blot was Captain Flicky once again picking up a card for saying very naughty words ... something quite off color involving a vicar, a tart and a goat I think. After the game it was decided that we would have a whip round and pay for some anger management counselling for the Captain ... the kind of counselling where they use electrodes. 

Cain did get among the goal scorers this week and is locked in a 12 way tie for top scorer but ... and I want to make this very clear ... he is leading the pack in assists. We know this because despite nobody keeping any records Cain tells us that it is so. Cain is refusing to publish his assist records claiming that they are under audit. Cain did bring twiglets to the game which might mean that we can believe his claims.

Ged played like crap this week ... it was like he wasn't even there. Same for Doug Viggliolottalinguine who was cruising around Paris demanding that young ladies show him "le tits now".

It was a warm and sunny day and shreddies were discarded by multiple players after the game. We lazed around pitch side like Romans on their day off from empire building. Talking of which ... what have the Romans ever done for us? The day got even better for me ... drove home and hit the couch to watch the Hammers thrash the pants off United to take us up to 5th spot in the prem. West Ham United - World Cup Winners! I checked the standings and Celtic are now top of the league after Stoneham dropped points ... I am predicting that we will top the league this season.

Game two - Celtic beats Marblehead 4-2

It was another glorious day ... warm, sunny, blue skies and Tom was properly medicated by which I mean he was filled with rage as reflected by his new goalie shirt ...

Captain Flicky changed things around a bit for this game and we lined up 3-5-2 and the extra forward really helped us as we created numerous chances. The goal scorers were Brahim, Mr OG, Doug and a left footed one timer from Walter that was a cracker. Caino also put one in the back of the old onion bag ... if you know what I mean!

Deep in the second half when Marblehead knew they were beaten, Tom was clattered into by a gormless marble-head who, despite his protestations was given his marching orders ... justice was served. Tom did pick up a yellow for naughty words wot he spake and Captain Flicky got the same for an unrelated incident that also involved naughty words.

Tom provided the victuals which were top notch and the beer flowed like wine ... I know, I know ... this is an old joke that I keep repeating! Celtic zoomed up the table to second place and I'm gonna state it right now ... we will win the group!

Game one 2019 Fall season - the rise of the northern bastard!

The weather was perfect, the pitch was top notch and the lads were ready to win it all starting by giving Stoneham a damned good spanking. We welcomed the dirty northern bastard to the team who questioned me before the game ... "southern bastard, I'm sensing something from you?" So I explained  ... "I don't like you.". Anyway, moving right along. We dominated the first half but did not take our chances ... the northern bastard hit the bar ... meaning that he hit the crossbar of the goal. We all know he's constantly hitting the bar ... because he's a drunken northern bastard!

It was all square in the first half but we gave them two soft goals in the second half which was quite unlike us. Our usually reliable keeper may have been involved but I won't spill the beans even though he said mean things about the Hammers. BTW West Ham United ... World Cup Winners! Where was I? Oh yes ... this southern bastard won us a penalty late on and stuck it in the corner of the old onion bag. We scrambled for an equalizer but ran out of time and the game ended 2-1 to Stoneham. After the game Tom exchanged pleasantries with Joe Mello who mentioned something quite unsavory about Tom's mum. The actual comment was something along the lines of .... hmm, err, an insertion of some kind of appendage ... into an orifice of some kind .... I will spare the sordid details but let's just say that he should be made to sit on the naughty step. We immediately called for the paramedics who would have been needed to stitch up Joe if we could not quickly shoot Tom with a tranquilizer dart. While we feasted pitch side on Pat's curry our old friend Lesly stopped by to give us more shit. While the guys spent time explaining to Lesly that he was "lacking in moral fiber" for joining Stoneham, I muttered "douchebag sayswot" a few times ... and the Gilf chortled and this is because he is blessed with a strangely childish sense of humor.

So I've been reviewing the game stats and let me see ... I have one goal ... which, let me get this right ... yes, yes indeed ... makes me the top scorer on the team! Why do I mention this? Err ... no reason! Can someone please let Cain know that there is no reason that I mention this?

We played 4-2-3-1 and the general opinion is that we need a second striker. Captain Flicky will review this option with the backroom staff during the week and will release his findings forthwith. In conclusion it has to be said that Rob's new football boots are very nice indeed and the fluorescent green color almost matches his shirt ... but not quite! I'm sorry Rob but the boots will have to go. Not all is lost with Rob however because I learned an important lesson from him ... I changed into dry shreddies after the game but Rob went shreddie free which is a better option on a warm day. When it comes to the care and protection of one's undercarriage ... Rob really is the king.

Game 9 - we came second

Once again we were short of key players and we had another problem ... we did not play that well, especially in the second half. We lost the game 3-0 to Boxford and you know what ... we barely had any shots on their goal. There was one very good effort in the second half that Frank pawed away with sprawling cat-like dexterity. We kicked off early but it was too hot and sunny for this Limey bastard and for many others and by the second half we were all a bit cream-crackered. At 10am we adjourned to a spot around the corner from the pitch and enjoyed sausage, onions and peppers prepared by Captain Zecha which were washed down with cold suds ... and I can tell you this ... it felt right. I for one would not object to doing this perhaps every three days every week. The 10am beer break is definitely missing from my life and I'm ready to change things up. Who will join me?

The final game of the season is next week.

Game 8 - A spanking was administered!

Captain Flicky was challenged on strategery before kick off and his preferred 3-5-2 line up was changed to 4-4-2 after some intense lobbying from an unnamed insurgent. This kind of leadership challenge is unprecedented but the proof is in the eating because we thrashed the Internationals 4-0 using 4-4-2. Please note that the proof is most definitely NOT in the pudding .... the proof is in the EATING. I will be testing you all on this to be absolutely sure that this expression is used correctly.

Talking of eating, according to Dori, smoked puffin is quite delicious. There is a lesser known seabird ... the 'huffin' that is not quite as good so if  you have the choice you should get the puffin. I hear that minke whale is good as well especially if you don't cut the blubber off! BTW don't touch Dori's minke ... he's understandably quite sensitive about this.

Cain got a hat trick today and Oscar got the other one. The final Cain goal was scored against a keeper who just stood and watched. He stood and watched because he was bothered by a non offside call ... something that you don't really see in the professional game. North Shore were a very good team especially if you grade them by anger. They screamed and yelled at each other throughout the match and as a team definitely have some anger issues although bed wetting could explain much of this. Half of their guys were Italian and they issued numerous vendettas against each other and a plethora against us. Most of us will be waking up next to a horses head by weeks end. There were skirmishes all over the pitch but Captain Flicky cornered the market and now has 24 hour protection in place for his family.

We did not have meatloaf after the match:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kKvlv-IY7k

Game 7

We tied Marblehead 0-0.

Game 6 we beat Andover 2-1

This was a mid week clash played under lights in Danvers. Dori scored the first and Cain got the second. They pulled one back late. We played poorly in the first half and quite well in the second half. This match report is very boring. We went to the 466 for beer and pizza after the game ... I especially enjoyed the sausage and goat cheese and drank two whole beers ... in a row!

Game 5 narrow loss 2-1 to Crapoli

Captain Flicky was not happy because everyone baled on the team. We had eleven and lost 2-1. We should have won or at least tied. No food after the game.

Game 4 - we got thrashed 5-1 by Stoneham

We got off to a decent start and held our own until two minutes before half time when a high cross sailed over JB's melon and on to the noggin of one of their chaps who fired it straight into the back of the old onion bag. We went into the half time break down by the odd goal but in the second half we coughed up four more. Caino got our consolation goal. I have to concede that Stoneham played well and moved the ball quickly and kept possession but the scoreline flattered them nonetheless. Rob showed up to watch the game and his biting comments definitely hurt our performance. A number of team mates told me that it was like having Hannibal Lecter on the sideline which probably explains why a few of the chaps were curled up in the fetal position after the final whistle.

I made a sweet Italian sausage chili which was well received. There was French bread and corn bread (made by Tom from a 100 year old family recipe) and there were assorted cookies and plentiful brews so all was not lost.

Please click on this link for a full understanding of the footballer brain.

(https://twitter.com/seajamiron/status/1125432129989632000?s=03)

Game 3: 2-2 versus Lexington Eagles

Can't tell you much about this match because I was in the old country. Word is that we should have won.

Game two - Celtic thrashes Marblehead to a 2-2 tie

I made two poops, jumped in the jam jar and drove to DHS whilst listening to the latest Brexit news on a rather pleasant April morning. Here is how the game went ... we trailed by one, pulled one back, then trailed by one and pulled one back. At the end of the day a tie was a fair result especially as, once again, we were missing half of the team and even the players that showed up were injured or hung over. Lesly scored the first goal and I can't tell you a thing about it other than it went in. Cain got the second five minutes from the final whistle and it was a belter. We started with a 4-5-1 line up and played pretty well throughout which is quite astonishing given our shortage of players. After the match Doug Vee served three different types of calzone, laughed at my daft jokes and told detective tales in a really loud voice which is, without a doubt the best way to finish up a Sunday morning game. The beer flowed like wine (I know, I know that I have used this joke before ... but it's one of my favorites) which was complimented by boxes and boxes of wine and heaps of nips. Let me explain ... Tom opened up the back of his car and invited everyone to help themselves to the multiple bottles of wine that were stashed within... for some reason the stuff had to be lifted. Tom once again proved that he is a great addition to the team ... oh, and he's a good keeper. Lesly showed up with a trash bag full of nips (a brother in law apparently works for the airlines and evidently pilfers the stuff on a regular basis) and again everyone was instructed to load up.

First game of the 2019 spring season ... Celtic beats Crapoli 2-1

There was an air of trepidation before kick off because we were missing multiple players who were either travelling the globe or were injured or were having boils lanced. We kicked off with 11 and fifteen minutes after the start the Gilf showed up after fighting off a bout of food poisoning that would have hobbled a horse. Captain Flicky set us up 4-5-1 with instructions to keep our shape at all costs. Crapoli had a ton of quality players but we started OK and this Limey bastard slotted one through for Caino who spotted the keeper off his line, leaving the near post open. Cain quickly assessed the situation and put the ball right in the sweet spot from a very tight angle. Unexpectedly we found ourselves ahead. Crapoli did draw even with a penalty from a dodgy call and we were all square at the half. Doug Vee settled things from a direct free kick just outside the box in the second half. The ball took a slight deflection off Daryl's shoulder but the goals committee is giving the goal to Mr Viggliolottalinguinewidplennyasauce.

Everyone worked their socks off and played their positions almost perfectly. Crapoli created chances but we kept our shape so well that they could not take them. Tom was magnificent in goal and proved that the massive transfer fee (one light beer and a slice of pizza) was money well spent. When we got our foot on the ball we kept it with some nice passing that looked very much like Barcelona in mid season form.

We retired to the parking lot and feasted on Captain Flicky Chile which we washed down with some fine suds supplied by JB. Captain Flicky passed around eclairs for dessert and Caino ate fifteen and vomited all the way back to Salem.