Kick off

Subject: Celtic versus Andover post match analysis

I say you chaps.

The North Shore Celtic were guided this day by interim manager Hugh Jorgan the Danish midfielder from the dodgy part of London. Captain Flicky was away on international duty but handed off copious notes, a white board with colored markers and a sack of partially deflated balls ... all Jorgan had to do was follow instructions because Celtic are brimming with talent this season and coming off an opening day thrashing of Crapoli FC. The pre-match warm ups were unremarkable except for the wild and crazy uniform infraction sported by Paschal the international man of mystery, who wore .... black shorts. Captain Flicky will be issuing a strongly worded letter to bring the miscreant into line. Celtic lined up 3-2-3-2 with Commodore Arnold at the point of the spear and Rob Lebel keeping it tight at the back.

Peep, peep and we were off and the obviously hung over long haddock (Arnold) immediately subbed out to have his stomach pumped. Andover could not really penetrate the Celtic back line but one chap did threaten. Lebel was onto the danger and chased him into the box and unceremoniously scythed him down, scalped him, spat at him in the face and insulted his mother. The ref pointed to the spot and every Celtic player on the pitch protested furiously although coincidentally everyone on the bench agreed that it was a stone cold penalty. Sam tried a few mind games and some jiggery pokery but the ball was dispatched to the back of the old onion bag without so much as a "by your leave". They were up by one at the half although they were not the better team and they weren't as good looking and did not have a good sense of humor and they smelled really bad. The Celtic midfield basically controlled the first half and our defense was untested. Caino effectively played as a left back for them for the first half which meant that he did a fine job of staying offside for us. Andover were a dirty lot and committed about three hundred fouls in the first half. Paschal was pushed to breaking point, threw a wobbler and got into it with one of them ... insults were traded and cards were issued. The usually mild mannered Paschal showed his mad, violent side and Doug V has been asked to investigate further to find out who he really is ... I'm thinking double agent, drug mule, flesh trade king pin ... Irish contractor guy ... I think not!

The second half was all Celtic. We were awarded a penalty for one of the Andover wankers stuffing a bee up Doug V's shreddies ... at least that's what it looked like from my vantage point on the grassy knoll next to the book depository. Pat stepped up and belted the ball into the net. The game was locked up but Celtic had the wind in their sails and their jibs were fluttering and other nautical expressions too. For the last twenty minutes it was all Celtic ... wave after wave of attack until in the closing seconds Hugh Jorgan picked up the ball on the circle, skipped past two flailing midfielders and rifled one into the top corner from thirty yards out. It was a stunning strike and Andover were done for. The capacity crowd of Jan Lebel, stopped talking into her cell phone for about thirty seconds and started clapping wildly. Confession ...  I made up that whole last bit.

We dropped two points today but I wager we'll give 'em a spanking in Danvers. Afterward everyone headed to Pat's house for a royal feasting ... seafood fra diavolo and a fantastic salad. The sauce was top shelf and mopped up with hunks of garlic bread. Beers were drunk, gas was passed and we all watched the Chelsea-Swansea match on the tele. 

That was exactly how it was and if anyone tells you anything different ... don't believe them.

Grant aka Hugh.

North Shore Celtic versus Nashua post match analysis

I say you chaps,

The Celtic travel to some far flung locales in the glamorous world of over the hill footy, and Nashua is truly on the outer edge of our solar system. Captain Flicky insisted that everyone arrive in Pluto (not a planet but a gelatinous mass) by 8am which meant that we had to leave on Thursday. Three times zones later we were pitch side with a full squad ... a pretty impressive turnout. I had taken Captain Flicky's deflated balls and pumped them to bursting point so in between trips to the porta potties to tinkle the lads belted rock hard cannon balls toward goal while Sam dodged and ducked to avoid a series of concussions. 

A gentle sprinkling on the otherwise hard baked pitch certainly did not soften the Celtic who systematically pummeled Nashua to a 6-3 spanking. We had em down by three and then let them close the gap to two ... and repeat. I looked over the game notes from my ruthlessly efficient intern/fact checker and here is how the scoring went:

We scored ... almighty toe poke from Tony.

We scored ... Paschal the deep cover spy with a left footed lob/cross that he really knew nothing about but dropped in the back of the old onion bag.

We scored ... Captain Flicky near post belter.

They scored ... fuckers.

We scored ... Ian coolly slotting home while sending the keeper the wrong way.

They scored ... buggers.

Notes missing ... tinkle break.

We scored ... Cain with his melon rising like a salmon to out-jump the keeper.

They scored ... turd burglars.

We scored ... Boomer off a driven grass cutter.

They scored ... no it was us again. Hang on .. no that's it. 

Well, you get the general idea and I certainly don't want you to get mired in the details ... there were a lot of goals and my intern is being dismissed for gross negligence. Captain Flicky bagged our only card for ... please pick your answer from the three options below. 

A. A violent studs up tackle.

B. Deliberate handball.

C. Mouthing off to an opponent and then getting so wild that when the ref tried to cool him down he basically told the ref to shove it and essentially talked himself straight into the book. Throw in an attempted head butt and pepper the confrontation with words like "wanker" and "tosser" and you have the standard Captain Flicky yellow card scenario.

Helpful note ... the answer is C. 

I'm kidding it's A.

Nah ... it's C.

We drove south to Frank's house and feasted on mutton and mead served by buxom serving wenches and sang conquest songs to lutenist accompaniment. 

That was almost exactly how it was and if anyone tells you anything different ... don't believe them.

Drew Blood.

North Shore Celtic versus Stoneham post (oh yes .. post) match analysis.

I say you chaps,

This was the big one ... the match up between the two top dogs. Captain Flicky huddled with his close advisers for hours to devise a plan that would unlock Stoneham and put the cat among the pigeons and give them something to think about and a true test for the league leaders and other things too.

It was a lively start by the Celtic as Field Marshall Arnold passed back to "Pat the Irish Iniesta" who shot from the center circle, clipped the underside of the bar and caught the Stoneham keeper off his line. Celtic were up by one in the space of ten seconds. The next goal arrived three minutes later ... Doug Vigglialottalinguine curled in a corner and Big Sam came up from a very deep lying position and nutted in from five yards out. Paschal "Danger" Corrigan scored number three on the stoke of halftime with an athletic bicycle kick that rocketed into the bottom corner of the old onion bag. Secret service police stormed the pitch during the goal celebration and bundled Corrigan into an unmarked car ... presumably for "questioning". Absolutely nothing happened in the second half because I could not think of anything to write and needed to make a tinkle. Final score 3-0 to Celtic who took the top spot from Stoneham in emphatic style. Stoneham did not get a single shot on goal and could muster no more than 10% ball possession, most of which was "testicular" in nature. Somewhat unusually all four of the other teams in the league lost which helped Celtic separate from the pack.

That was almost exactly how it was and if anyone tells you anything different ... don't believe them.

Cuthbert Nosleeves.

PS ... good luck tomorrow lads ... I will be fishing in the Gunnison Gorge in Colorado. HJ.

North Shore Celtic versus Peabody Gold post match analysis.

Captain Flicky in his pre game inspirational monologue talked of "lung busting" runs which transposed verbally as "bung lusting" although my ears heard "bum lusting". Paschal aka Vladimir the deep cover spy, drug mule and gigolo also heard "bum lusting" and immediately started to fidget excitedly as a deep itch got scratched and the huddle of Celtic players nervously sidled away.

Celtic had a full squad turn out which would have had lesser managers squirming but Captain Flicky had things well in hand ... fearless leadership. We pummeled them in the first half and should have had at least a three goal lead by the break but strangely it was all square. The second half got off to a flyer with two goals from Caino (a natural left back by the way) and one from Boomer who stretched his neck sinews and turned a crossed ball into the back of the old onion bag with his melon ... vegetables and fruits combining nicely. We had more chances and could have easily bagged six on the day but three was a job well done and Sam really only had to make a couple of saves. Captain Flicky only made one bonafide flick all game according to my records ... this Limey tried to enhance the flick quotient and drew howls of derision from the subs bench for daring to emulate the master ... lesson learned. Their number ten certainly put the cat among the pigeons a few times with some ill timed tackling but he was well contained by the Celtic back line who also insulted him in various languages. I chatted with the chap after the match and learned that his name was Richard Ferbrains ... Dick to his friends!  

Elsewhere around the league ... Stoneham strangely lost to Nashua which closed the gap to two points at the top and sets things up nicely for this coming weekend ... Andover play Stoneham which should be an interesting match while we go to Crapoli where we will be intent on picking up three points and expanding our goal difference ... anything less just would not be cricket.

Boomer served Schweddy balls after the match ... hand rolled and creamy and Vladimir was seen to cram four or five into his pie hole at one time ... a quite disturbing image. I do have a serious observation ... we are playing some good footy this season with plenty of short passing and possession and this 3-5-2 formation seems to be working well. This is probably the only sensible thing I have written this season and I don't feel at all comfortable straying away from my usual gibberish.

That was exactly how it was and if anyone tells you anything different ... don't believe them.

Pete Schweddy.

PS ... Trump has the mind of a duck!

North Shore Celtic versus Crappoli post match analysis.

It was a bit wet and chilly but the Celtic were all fired up to administer a damned good spanking to Crappoli who made the unscheduled trip to Danvers after cocking up their home field for the nth time. This was not just a regular spanking ... but rather the mightiest spanking of the season. We put them to the sword with three goals in the first half and six in the second and all of the goals were scored by Rob with his left foot ... an incredible performance especially considering that the lad didn't even make the game. Celtic won the possession game by a country mile with some nice passing in the midfield.

Job done. Moving on to the real action of the day ... the post game celebration ... a table and canopy were erected pitch side while the rain lashed and the wind battered the chaps who feasted undaunted. Refreshments were presented ... Andy made top shelf sausage, onions and peppers and provided an assortment of cold suds. Next up was my chili with french bread ... dessert was a cookie assortment from the good section of the bakery. The sodden boys tucked in while Crappoli made their exit with their tails between their legs. Banter ensued and pictures of the semi-drowned squad were taken ... 

Elsewhere around the league ... Stoneham beat Andover. Next week we host Andover and a Celtic victory means that the playoffs will be a gnats winkle away ... I believe that we are going to win all of our remaining games ... a bold statement I know but I stand by it. I would be remiss if I did not mention the highlight of yesterdays match ... mid way through the second half Captain Flicky executed a perfect back flick ... the right move at the right time and .... what's more .... it went to one of our players .... a rare sight indeed and a fabulous crowd pleaser. The day was complete and the boys meandered off to spend the afternoon contentedly farting on couches.

Keep it tight at the back,

Earnest Scribbler.

PS ..... some words from a wise statesman:

 "Iraq and Iran were very similar militarily, and they’d fight, fight, fight, and then they’d rest. They’d fight, fight, fight, and then Saddam Hussein would do the gas, and somebody else would do something else, and they’d rest." –Donald Trump, demonstrating his knowledge of foreign policy at a town hall meeting in Virginia Beach, VA (Sept. 6, 2016)

Celtic versus Andover post match strategery report.

Andover turned up early with a full squad and coordinated red warm up gear. They started to perform calisthenics that culminated in a human pyramid but it did not matter because the Celtic were the better team on the day in all departments except perhaps the sartorial department. Captain Flicky will button that up (spot the pun) next week and plans to issue bow ties. Celtic looked good from the first whistle and dominated the match with Barcelona-ish possession. Ian the "long haddock" Arnold bagged a scorcher in the first half .. he turns, he shoots .... goal! Crowd goes wild. We added a number of solid opportunities that went unconverted. At half time Captain Flicky instructed us to drink, stay loose and breathe in and out .... in and OUT ... I questioned the need to elaborate on this point and drew a scornful look that will no doubt mean that I will be sitting on the naughty step for the next match. My advice is to never question the master ... NEVAH! 

In the second half I got busy and raced to the end line after dodging the offside trap ... cut one back for Caino who dispatched it calmly into the back of the old onion bag for our insurance goal ... Caino is quickly becoming a goal scoring machine although he really is a natural left back ... an old joke that never gets old with me. We restricted Andover to very few decent chances the closest of which was scrambled off the line mid way through the second half. Andy, Rob and Brian really do keep it very tight at the back and never really look troubled. Sam pulled a muscle in his willy in the second half and Frank "le chat" stepped up, slotted in between the pipes and ably maintained the clean sheet. The ref ended the game early as a result of Andover getting all frustrated, throwing their toys out of the crib and brandishing handbags in our general direction. I believe that Rob did most of the taunting and has agreed to get treatment ... he does admit to being a bed wetter until his mid teens. I've gone off message here somehow ... where was I? Oh right ... the match.

The elated Celtic team retired to bask in the autumn sunlight where they split three sandwiches and four beers twenty ways. Captain Flicky will be filing an official complaint on this matter which can really only be remedied by an over abundance of victuals and libations at the next opportunity ... waitress service would be a nice touch also. I have carefully avoided mentioning the offenders but the Kremlin did hack our secret server and threw BRIAN SWEENEY and TONY ABRAS under the bus ... those bloody Russians just can't be trusted ... right Vladimir/Paschal?     

Elsewhere Stoneham and Nashua won. Next week we play Nashua who will be going down "like a sweet muffin" and setting us up for a winner take all-ish encounter with Stoneham the week after. I maintain my prediction that if we continue to score more goals than our opponents we will win games .... Doug Vee confirmed this and Yiannis Moorhen is drafting the paperwork that confirms the argument.

Earnest Scratchings.

PS ... I found this one in the archives ... quite a silly recap of a big win over Stoneham three years ago.

On Sep 15, 2013, at 6:37 PM, "Grant Scott" <Grant.Scott@universalwilde.com> wrote:

What a match? What a frickin’ match?

Today the Seadogs spanked Stoneham 6-4 and took top spot in the league. Mighty Stoneham coughed up 6 goals today and every one of them was a bit special. Mike Hill smashed in a volley for number one that had the crowd crapping in their sheets (aka clapping in their seats). Yiannis Moorhen rose like a pregnant salmon to nut in the second with his melon … not bad for an ice cream freezer who hasn’t touched a ball in a month. Mike got the third with a quick turn and grass cutter (could be factually incorrect because I actually did not see this one). John-Jao-Yowza went around the keeper and passed the ball into the back of the old onion bag for number four (pulling both groins and three hamstrings in the process), was carried off the pitch but rallied and will be back to torment the next opponent. This Limey drilled in the 5^th off a perfect cut back from Derek who was up and down the flank like a tarts knickers. This same limey (at risk of appearing immodest) then latched onto a roller from a crazy distance and belted in a knuckler for number six.

Captain Flicky had orchestrated a masterful game plan that was based on the D-Day landings which makes you wonder what would happen if Captain Flicky ran NASA ….. we’d probably have indoor footy on Pluto by now! Stoneham pressed us hard but the full backs led by wing commander Arnold were solid. The midfielders ran themselves into the ground and tackled like tigers. When it became apparent that we had the game in the bag we even started to possess the ball and make them scurry around for a touch .. yes, I believe that we were toying with them … yes … toying.

At one point I believe that I heard Alain bark at a Stoneham fullback who had just made a dodgy tackle, the following:

“If you continues with these attitudes I will be forced to ‘av speaks with yer superiors”.

The game was won, the points were in the bag and the Seadogs regrouped for steak tips and babychams. Lucie the wonderdog made out like a bandit and will no doubt be crapping up a storm over the next couple of days because those steak tips do a number on her innerds. The beer tasted slightly better than usual and Captain Flicky is talking about going for a clean sweep of the league …. He didn’t get to where he is today by not going for glory!

Week one was a good start and we feasted on the carcass of Crapppera FC with a solid 4-2 tonking. We have made an excellent start to the season with the beating of the traditional top two teams. All we have to do now is believe in ourselves and I think we’ll bring home the bacon and put the cat amongst the pigeons.

If we keep winning like this we’ll go unbeaten!

Hugh Jorgan. 

Celtic versus Nashua Internationals "bigly" match report: week 8

It was cool and blustery and we were missing a few key players but this was not a problem because the squad is strong and deep and wide and Trump is a big fat idiot and his mouth looks like a small bug hole. What??? 

We scored two in the first half and three in the second from various and sundry players and we kept another clean sheet. I have checked my numbers and this means that we won 4-0 ... sorry 5-0, no that's not right ... 6-0 .. no definitely 5-0 ish. Goal number one came from a Boomer slotted pass through to me ... I took a touch (and by the way ... Trump is an idiot) and hammered it across the old onion bag with the keeper flailing and flapping around. Next up was a magnificent scampering solo effort from Boomer who nicked the ball away from the waiting arms of the keeper and side footed into the net with the outside of his boot and then adroitly avoided wish-boning his wedding tackle with the left goal post ... I thought that he was donating a testicle with the goal but it lives on thankfully. A two goal lead at the half and it felt like everything was nicely under control. We listened attentively to some encouraging words from Captain Flicky at half time and right now absolutely none of it comes to mind ... something about staying warm (which I think he stole from Mourinho) ... and then we went straight back to work. Ian belted in number three in a very "belterish" manner ... power, control, twinkle in the eye and keeper "flailing". Next up was from a left footed cross by Hugh Jorgan .. Brian Sweeney rose like a gazelle and headed it into the net while the hapless keeper could only swat at it ... actually that's not true ... he flailed at it. Tony got the fifth goal off a scramble of goalmouth flailings. Doug Viggliolottafusilli hit the bar I believe and the ball bounced all over the six yard box with various players "flailing" at it before Tony did the deed and unflailed it into the net. Doug played left back for the Celtic today while JB is out injured. Doug did a fine job and deep in the second half started to race up the and down the wing (like a tarts knickers) to launch a few balls into the box ... a bona fide wing back. I did overhear Doug telling JB after the game that it was a really easy position to play ... JB said nothing but was seen letting all the air out of Doug's tires while Doug was sharing one beer with three team mates after the game. 

There was another bit of flailing in the second half ... once again the ball was up for grabs, popped loose and Hugh Jorgan raced onto it and hit it left footed as hard as he could so as to knock the seagull off the lamp post in the parking lot. Now just to clear things up ... this was not a howler of a close range miss as some have contended but rather an effort to preserve the important public lamp post from the corrosive effects of gull guano. 

There were two other important points to mention ... someone (I'm not going to name the name because I can't remember who it was but when I do remember I will spill the beans) attempted a back flick. This is just not allowed ... please leave this to Captain Flicky unless you have the necessary paperwork filed before the game. Point number two ... post game beer and food. The food quantity was acceptable but once again we had a serious beer shortage and this has to be dealt with. The correct number of beers for proper post game celebrating is four hundred and twenty seven .... 427! Not two hundred and forty seven (247) or seventy two point four (72.4) !!!! I have typed four exclamation marks chaps ... FOUR !!!!! Please also note that I typed five actual exclamation points after the word FOUR. This is for emphasis and not because I tend to write silly shit with no rhyme or reason.

Bizarre result ... Stoneham lost to Crapoli which means we are a point clear at the top. Next up ... Stoneham ... and you know that they are going down ... we are going to squeeze all the custard out of that powdered pastry and then blow the sugar all over their flowery table cloth. I will leave it there for fear of inciting violence. 

Harry D. Scribbler.

Celtic versus Stoneham ... the battle for supremacy.

My mum will not be happy when she learns about my banged up toe (see exhibit A)  ... she was proud of my feet which she claims would serve me well because she always bought me good shoes when I was a nipper back in the old country. Smoking Joe stomped on my toe so hard on Sunday that I thought he broke the bugger. After the stomping I lost the plot ... the genie was loose and I was subbed out by Captain Flicky and told to get the mad genie back in the bottle. 

Boomer got even worse treatment (see exhibit B) ... a nasty gouging that will need to be repaid ... reprisals gentlemen! If anyone else has nasty pictures of their appendages please send them along ... not Captain Flicky of course ... we've seen those pictures already and I still get night terrors. 

Celtic played well and we should have got something out of the game. The penalty was never a penalty, their goal was soft, our goal was magic and we hit the woodwork and there were other terrible injustices done to us that Trump is undoubtedly behind.

To infinity and beyond!

Mr L.Bastard.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Smiling Celtic ... just give us the trophy now!

Celtic versus Peabody Gold ... the final match of the regular season and no "long haddock".

I say you chaps ... first off I have to take care of some admin ... Jan Lebel is insisting on a photo credit for the team picture ... she needs this because she is using the image for an erectile dysfunction ad. Next ... the post game luncheon ... whoa ... chicken parm, sausage, meatballs, eggplant, bread, fixings ... all cooked from scratch by John Moorhen's wife Kate. I am nominating this lunch for the prestigious "best of the season" award which comes with no prize whatever. Apparently Yiannis stirred something during the preparation but otherwise did nothing.  

Moving along to the match ... the first half was somewhat uneventful apart from their goal which I did not see and cannot comment on. This is quite common in the Globe sports section as this extract illustrates ... "Brady apparently threw two touchdown passes to win the game but I was making a tinkle for the first and was in the beer line for the second" ... see, not unusual at all in mainstream sports reporting. Anyway, where was I ... oh yes, the game ... we certainly did not play in the same spirit as the last match and it showed ... a somewhat muted, lackluster performance that probably reflected the reality that the match did not really matter to us and we probably all had a bit of long haddock hangover. I think that Captain Flicky's total amnesia of their goal somewhat underscores my point. Next week I know that things will be quite different and Captain Flicky will get an early night so that his managerial skills are keenly honed. By the way ... the Captain broke his single game flick record yesterday with eighty seven bonafide flicks with some of them even going to our chaps. Back to the action ... our goal ... Paschal/Vladimir (porn star/drug mule/meth cook) did some serious scrambling around the end line, dug the ball out from the clutches of the defender and poked it to Mike Gilfeather who dispatched a "laser guided, magisterial strike like a werewolf on a plate of liver" (description courtesy of Mike Gilfeather who is writing the copy for the erectile dysfunction ad that Jan is creating). After leveling the score we stepped up a bit and pushed for a winner ... were all over them like a cheap suit for the last ten minutes but they held firm and we had to settle for a draw.

Next up ... the playoffs. I am suggestion that we go to bed early on Saturday ... for we rise at daybreak ...some of us may lose our lives but remember ... death is but a moment ... cowardice is a lifetime of affliction. 

Jorgan, Hugh.

Celtic versus Medfield ... play off semi final.

I had better wrap this up before I start blubbing but it's hard to not be emotional now that our run is over after losing 2-1 to the southern bastards. Medfield were OK but I want to focus on the negatives because it's healthy and it's definitely not like we are sore losers or anything. Ok here goes .... they weren't as good looking as us and they had bad skin and their kit was nothing to write home about and they had halitosis and a couple had zits and some were overweight and they all had bad attitudes and no sense of humor whatsoever. One of their lot hopped out of a convertible and started shimmying around cones before kick off ... all very wankerish behavior! They smelled bad and they all supported Trump or that nutter out in Utah and they all beat their wives (wives who are all sick of them) and are sarcastic to their pets (ugly ones also sick of them) and other things too ... lots of other things that I just don't have time to mention because I'm on a deadline here.

We were fantastic and scored first ... the ball pinged off the bar and fell to Paschal the rascal who slotted it into the bottom corner with assurance and aplomb and with a deft touch and without so much as a "by your leave". I don't remember their equalizer but it was rubbish. Late on Andy barely brushed one of their players in the box (immediately apologized in writing) but the ref, who was clearly in their pocket, awarded the softest of soft penalties .. which went in despite Sam's best efforts. Two of their guys were flashing laser pointers in Sam's eyes at the time and they released a whole family of chipmunks behind our goal ... very distracting and highly irregular.

We had injuries upon injuries and even our uninjured players had food poisoning from the pre-match snacks that Medfield insisted we eat. It was a smash and grab case if ever I saw one. We were far better than them and Captain Flicky will be filing an official grievance with the league who will probably just do the usual thing and write us all large checks for the obvious injustice.

I saw that Nashua managed to get relegated and NS Internationals got promoted from D2 .. all good because that trip to Canada was a pain and NS play in North Reading which is handy.

Stay in touch with yourselves over the winter.

Grant.